When couples come to our Marriage Counseling practice for a Marriage Intensive they come because they have hurt each other with actions and words. This article is dedicated to talking about words that hurt and words that heal.
First we have to realize that words contain power. When creating the world, God could have chosen many different ways to create it. He could have thought it into existence. He could have blinked His eyes. He could have wiggled His pinky. But, what did God use to create the world? Words.
There is a big connection between answered prayer and what we use our mouth for during all those times when we are not praying. It takes a lot of help from God, because no man can contain the tongue.
We talk a lot and every word contains power. Proverbs 18:21 “The power of life and death is in the tongue.”
Matt 12:36-37 “We are not to speak idle or useless words that have no power, because on judgment day we will give an account for every word.” Matt 12:34 “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”
Our mouth is a major part of our “love walk.” We don’t realize how much our words and our “love walk” are connected. With our words we can either build people up or tear people down. We won’t ever really become accountable for our words until we are convinced they are a reflection of our hearts. Jeremiah 17:9 says “the heart is deceitful above all else.”
We are to get rid of all evil speaking. James 1:26 “Taming our tongues is about self-control.” There are only 2 ways for us to make any progress with our mouths. We have to have a lot of help from God, and we have to keep growing in discipline and self-control. When you want to do something badly enough, you will do it.
We would much rather play the “blame game” than take responsibility. This started in the Garden and it has never stopped. We believe the lie, “It’s not my fault.”If you want your prayers answered, then get rid of all evil communication, all harsh, hard, unjust, unkind and wicked speaking.
You can’t control your mouth if you don’t first control your mind. What is in your mind comes out of your mouth. Our level of spiritual maturity can be easily and quickly judged by listening to our words. How mature in the Lord are you? Show me your tongue.
James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth come blessings and curses and this should not be. Get rid of the mixture—don’t try to bless and then curse too.”
What should we be saying? Be thankful and say so! Psalm 100:4 “…be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name.” Psalm 107:2 says “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so….we need to be thankful and say so.” People will say, “but I’ve got a thankful heart.” Well then, open your mouth! Tell people what you are thankful for and who you are thankful for.
Another thing we are to say are encouraging words. Don’t commit the sin of omission. “I didn’t say anything” is sometimes the problem. It’s not that we said the wrong thing, but we didn’t say the right thing either.
The next thing to say is the truth. Ephesians 4:15 “Let our lives lovingly express the truth.” “Speak the truth in love.”
Lastly, the thing we are to speak is the Word of God. Jeremiah 23:28-29 “Let the one who has God’s Word speak it faithfully because it is like a hammer that will break the hardest rock into pieces.” Just keep hitting your problems with the hammer of God’s Word until they break into pieces. Sometimes when you are hammering, you hit it over and over and it seems like nothing is happening, and then suddenly the next blow shatters the problem!
It all goes back to the mouth. The Bible says in James 3 that the tongue is a little member but it can cause huge problems. How many problems exist in the world that didn’t first start with someone’s words? Our mouth affects all of our relationships in a major way. A relationship can be destroyed or healed through the power of words. It doesn’t do any good to pray about your problem and then talk about how upset you are about it all the time. Don’t pray for your kids in the morning and then spend the rest of the day talking about how worried you are about them and how they are going to turn out. Remember, EVERY WORD we speak has power.
The Bible says we are not to murmur, grumble, fault find, and complain. There is a big difference between explaining and complaining. Explaining is necessary to communicate the reality of a problem or a situation. You can’t fix problems without an explanation first. Complaining is an attitude of the heart that says: “Why is this happening to me?” “I don’t trust God.” “This is not how I want things to be,” We need to look for the treasure in every trial. Most spiritual growth is during the hard times of life.
We are so blessed, but complaining is still one of our greatest challenges. In the Western world, we are spoiled rotten. We don’t want discomfort. We don’t want to wait for anything. We don’t like sacrifice and we fight against pain and hardships.
We need to follow Jesus’ example of how He handled words. When we are being tested, it’s not wise to be talking all the time or be careless with our words.
How would your relationships and life change if you would just stop saying anything negative? It is imperative that we “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” so we can represent Christ during difficult times.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Christian Marriage Counseling: Avoider Pursuer
In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we often hear how one spouse chases and begs the other with unhappy results.
The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.
Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.
Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.
When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.
“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?” We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.
Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.
Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.
If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.
The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.
Avoid:
Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.
If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.
Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.
If still living together:
1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.
When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.
Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.
Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.
When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.
“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?” We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.
Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.
Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.
If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.
The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.
Avoid:
Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.
If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.
Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.
If still living together:
1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.
When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Marriage Counseling: Financial Stress and Crisis
“How to mend your Marriage when the Bank is breaking”
Financial stress is overtaking many marriages today. It can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back when there are other issues in a marriage. Financial worries invite couples to play the “blame game”. No one is taking their own portion of responsibility, each just blames the other.
Whether it is a job loss, overspending, unexpected bills or a myriad of other challenges, this is a time to come together. It is not a time to point fingers. It is more important to plan together how to overcome the situation than to concentrate on whose fault it is.
There are times when both spouses share in the responsibility and times when one has had a greater influence in the degrading of financial stability. In either case, it is important for the two of you to be part of the solution.
In most marriages one of the spouses is a spender and one is a saver. This is quite typical. Often the reason for the differences is previous life experiences. But when you are already in financial crisis, it is imperative to join forces in order to get your feet back on the ground.
If it took a long time to get into the “financial mess” it may not be a quick turnaround. The time to achieve financial health will be shortened when you work together rather than focusing on the problem itself.
One of the things couples do is to hide from the total truth. It is important to lay out the entire financial situation. Starting with regular bills and obligations and working your way through the occasional expenditure. Also it is important to plan for the unexpected. The only way to be in charge of your finances is manage them rather than having them manage you.
Many couples find that by contacting their creditors they can make arrangements to pay off bills at a slower pace, or sometimes the creditors are willing to settle for a smaller amount.
There are many ways to move forward, but one that we like is to pay off the smaller bills first so that you can experience a sense of accomplishment. Like all of you financial decisions it is important to enthusiastically agree on your methodology.
There are only two ways to move from financial despair to financial security and it is best if you combine the two.
The first is to increase your income. Some people find their options limited and others have a variety of choices. In either case, you need to do whatever is available. It may be for each of you to work more than one job for a period of time.
If there are children in the home, it may require some creativity. One answer could be to do web based work. There are many options but it does require effort to find the right fit. When the economy heats up again, it will be easier to find additional employment.
The other method is to spend less. Decrease your spending wherever you can. For folks that have kids, it is important to look at what you are spending on their activities. We do not endorse regular multiple activities for each child. It takes away from family time and minimizes their ability to entertain themselves. We do not always do our children a favor by allowing them to participate in everything.
The most important ingredient is to make these decisions together.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Financial stress is overtaking many marriages today. It can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back when there are other issues in a marriage. Financial worries invite couples to play the “blame game”. No one is taking their own portion of responsibility, each just blames the other.
Whether it is a job loss, overspending, unexpected bills or a myriad of other challenges, this is a time to come together. It is not a time to point fingers. It is more important to plan together how to overcome the situation than to concentrate on whose fault it is.
There are times when both spouses share in the responsibility and times when one has had a greater influence in the degrading of financial stability. In either case, it is important for the two of you to be part of the solution.
In most marriages one of the spouses is a spender and one is a saver. This is quite typical. Often the reason for the differences is previous life experiences. But when you are already in financial crisis, it is imperative to join forces in order to get your feet back on the ground.
If it took a long time to get into the “financial mess” it may not be a quick turnaround. The time to achieve financial health will be shortened when you work together rather than focusing on the problem itself.
One of the things couples do is to hide from the total truth. It is important to lay out the entire financial situation. Starting with regular bills and obligations and working your way through the occasional expenditure. Also it is important to plan for the unexpected. The only way to be in charge of your finances is manage them rather than having them manage you.
Many couples find that by contacting their creditors they can make arrangements to pay off bills at a slower pace, or sometimes the creditors are willing to settle for a smaller amount.
There are many ways to move forward, but one that we like is to pay off the smaller bills first so that you can experience a sense of accomplishment. Like all of you financial decisions it is important to enthusiastically agree on your methodology.
There are only two ways to move from financial despair to financial security and it is best if you combine the two.
The first is to increase your income. Some people find their options limited and others have a variety of choices. In either case, you need to do whatever is available. It may be for each of you to work more than one job for a period of time.
If there are children in the home, it may require some creativity. One answer could be to do web based work. There are many options but it does require effort to find the right fit. When the economy heats up again, it will be easier to find additional employment.
The other method is to spend less. Decrease your spending wherever you can. For folks that have kids, it is important to look at what you are spending on their activities. We do not endorse regular multiple activities for each child. It takes away from family time and minimizes their ability to entertain themselves. We do not always do our children a favor by allowing them to participate in everything.
The most important ingredient is to make these decisions together.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Dealing with In-Laws
In our Marriage Counseling Practice we often see couples whose In-Laws are causing problems in the marriage. Whether it is too close, or not close enough, In-Laws can turn into Out-Laws very quickly.
The problems don’t always begin the same way. Sometimes there has been no “individuation” (becoming separate) on the part of the adult children. The Bible instructs couples to leave and cleave in order to become one flesh. This is not possible if the adult children do not separate in a healthy way from their parents. The parents may or may not be trying to hang on, but the results can be the same.
When adult children maintain a dependence on their parents after marriage, it interferes with the husband wife relationship. Even when it is disguised as asking for advice from a parent it can cause a division between the couple. If the wife looks to her father for help in making decisions, the husband can feel totally disrespected. He may feel that he (the husband) is not the primary male figure in the marriage.
Likewise if the husband is overly close with his mother the wife is unable to assume the role of nurturer and the number one woman in his life. This is especially true if the couple is living with the parents. This keeps them still in the role of a child.
When adult children receive money from their parents the help often comes with some sort of “strings” attached. This may be overt or covert. Maybe nothing is even said about it.
When parents disapprove of the “in-law “adult child, it puts their child in the middle between the parents and their spouse. The adult child’s allegiance should always be to their spouse; number one after the Lord.
A case in point would be when Mary’s parents are speaking disrespectfully about Mary’s husband Tom behind his back. Rather than defending Tom, Mary should explain to her parents that it’s not ok to talk about Tom that way. If Mary’s parents continue, Mary should walk away.
If Mary’s parents are disrespecting Tom in front of him Mary should get between her parents and Tom and boldly say, “If you continue talking about Tom this way, we will leave.”
It is important for couples to keep their “marriage business” private. They should not be discussing their marital issues with their parents, family or friends.
These discussions should be limited to their Pastor, Christian Counselor, or one trusted friend that both spouses’ agree on.
We recommend the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
As the Bible says in Genesis 2:24, therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Of course this applies for women as well.
In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we regularly see couples who need help restructuring the family dynamic in order to “leave and cleave”.
God’s Blessing on your marriage. Let it be healthy and happy.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
The problems don’t always begin the same way. Sometimes there has been no “individuation” (becoming separate) on the part of the adult children. The Bible instructs couples to leave and cleave in order to become one flesh. This is not possible if the adult children do not separate in a healthy way from their parents. The parents may or may not be trying to hang on, but the results can be the same.
When adult children maintain a dependence on their parents after marriage, it interferes with the husband wife relationship. Even when it is disguised as asking for advice from a parent it can cause a division between the couple. If the wife looks to her father for help in making decisions, the husband can feel totally disrespected. He may feel that he (the husband) is not the primary male figure in the marriage.
Likewise if the husband is overly close with his mother the wife is unable to assume the role of nurturer and the number one woman in his life. This is especially true if the couple is living with the parents. This keeps them still in the role of a child.
When adult children receive money from their parents the help often comes with some sort of “strings” attached. This may be overt or covert. Maybe nothing is even said about it.
When parents disapprove of the “in-law “adult child, it puts their child in the middle between the parents and their spouse. The adult child’s allegiance should always be to their spouse; number one after the Lord.
A case in point would be when Mary’s parents are speaking disrespectfully about Mary’s husband Tom behind his back. Rather than defending Tom, Mary should explain to her parents that it’s not ok to talk about Tom that way. If Mary’s parents continue, Mary should walk away.
If Mary’s parents are disrespecting Tom in front of him Mary should get between her parents and Tom and boldly say, “If you continue talking about Tom this way, we will leave.”
It is important for couples to keep their “marriage business” private. They should not be discussing their marital issues with their parents, family or friends.
These discussions should be limited to their Pastor, Christian Counselor, or one trusted friend that both spouses’ agree on.
We recommend the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
As the Bible says in Genesis 2:24, therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Of course this applies for women as well.
In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we regularly see couples who need help restructuring the family dynamic in order to “leave and cleave”.
God’s Blessing on your marriage. Let it be healthy and happy.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Monday, March 22, 2010
Building Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage
There is a limit on how close a couple can be to each other if they are not also close to God. Not only individually close to God, but close as a couple as well.
In our Marriage Counseling practice most of the couples who come to us want a deeper spiritual life together. How does a couple get closer to God?
The first thing to do is plan/prepare. Sit down as a couple to talk about the things that have made you feel close to God in the past or that you think would make you close to God in the present. Make two lists. It would be common for each spouse to have different ideas. Since this article is about getting closer to God as a couple, look at the two lists to see if there is anything you could do together.
Set yourselves up for success. See if there is an item that both of you have on your lists (for instance prayer). Talk about how you both like to pray, when to pray, and where to pray. The goal is to come into agreement on how you would like to go about praying as a couple. There is an old saying that couples that pray together stay together.
Getting started is the easy part. The more difficult part is to be consistent with your new goal. Let’s look at some things that would help. You can start with setting a specific time each day. If setting a time each day is too rigid a couple might try setting a sequence, i.e. breakfast, dress, make bed, prayer. Also a couple might arrange accountability with another couple who would like to also improve their spiritual life together.
Once you have started your new goals and practiced them for a period of time, perhaps 30 days, it will become second nature to you and it will require much less effort to sustain.
The strongest thing that you can then do as a couple is to turn outward to help other people. Volunteer at church, help out at a shelter or soup kitchen, or visit a sick friend. If your schedule is too busy to help others, then you are too busy. Purposely helping others will be a life changing experience.
Taking turns reading aloud from a book that helps you get closer to God is very effective. When you read aloud you both experience the words at the same time and can have very meaningful discussions on the content.
Praying for each other is an excellent tool and life changing experience. We recommend buying and using Stormy Ormartian’s Power of a Praying Husband and Power of a Prating Wife as great tools for those who are not experience at praying for each other.
Nothing is more important and effective than reading the Bible. My wife and I read the same Chapter at the same time. We highlight the verses that are the most meaningful to us and then discuss together.
In our Christian Marriage Counseling practice we see that couples that are close to God heal the fastest even if they come to us in crisis. We also see that those couples who have not been close to God and close to each other before they came, but make the decision to change have great success in healing their hurts and regaining a true “closeness”.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
In our Marriage Counseling practice most of the couples who come to us want a deeper spiritual life together. How does a couple get closer to God?
The first thing to do is plan/prepare. Sit down as a couple to talk about the things that have made you feel close to God in the past or that you think would make you close to God in the present. Make two lists. It would be common for each spouse to have different ideas. Since this article is about getting closer to God as a couple, look at the two lists to see if there is anything you could do together.
Set yourselves up for success. See if there is an item that both of you have on your lists (for instance prayer). Talk about how you both like to pray, when to pray, and where to pray. The goal is to come into agreement on how you would like to go about praying as a couple. There is an old saying that couples that pray together stay together.
Getting started is the easy part. The more difficult part is to be consistent with your new goal. Let’s look at some things that would help. You can start with setting a specific time each day. If setting a time each day is too rigid a couple might try setting a sequence, i.e. breakfast, dress, make bed, prayer. Also a couple might arrange accountability with another couple who would like to also improve their spiritual life together.
Once you have started your new goals and practiced them for a period of time, perhaps 30 days, it will become second nature to you and it will require much less effort to sustain.
The strongest thing that you can then do as a couple is to turn outward to help other people. Volunteer at church, help out at a shelter or soup kitchen, or visit a sick friend. If your schedule is too busy to help others, then you are too busy. Purposely helping others will be a life changing experience.
Taking turns reading aloud from a book that helps you get closer to God is very effective. When you read aloud you both experience the words at the same time and can have very meaningful discussions on the content.
Praying for each other is an excellent tool and life changing experience. We recommend buying and using Stormy Ormartian’s Power of a Praying Husband and Power of a Prating Wife as great tools for those who are not experience at praying for each other.
Nothing is more important and effective than reading the Bible. My wife and I read the same Chapter at the same time. We highlight the verses that are the most meaningful to us and then discuss together.
In our Christian Marriage Counseling practice we see that couples that are close to God heal the fastest even if they come to us in crisis. We also see that those couples who have not been close to God and close to each other before they came, but make the decision to change have great success in healing their hurts and regaining a true “closeness”.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Having Trouble Making Decisions Together? Here is Help!
In our Marriage Counseling practice, we are often asked about situations where couples have a difficult time making decisions. Each spouse is vested in getting their own way. So how should a couple make decisions?
Step One:
The first thing to do is to notice that you are not in agreement in the very early stages of your discussion. The reason we say “notice you are not in agreement” is because most couples bypass the disagreement and go straight to conflict. When you take time to notice that you are not in agreement, you have the best opportunity to go into healthy communication about the disagreement.
Step Two:
After noticing, the next step is for someone to say “well honey, it looks like we are not in agreement. Let’s brainstorm about it and see if we can make some progress”.
Step Three:
Brainstorming. Few people know how to brainstorm well. They make comments, criticisms and judgments about the other person’s ideas. In effective brainstorming there are no dumb ideas. Each spouse goes back and forth giving one idea at a time. The listening spouse does not give any feedback except saying the work “OK”. Then the other spouse gives an idea. The listening spouse does not give any feedback including whether they thought it was a good idea or not. The couple brainstorms until there are no more ideas left from either of them.
After all ideas have been shared the couple ask your spouse if they feel any agreement with any of the ideas. If they have, you can stop there and end the decision making process. If agreement has not been reached you go to the next step.
Step Four:
If agreement has not been reached it is time to pray together for guidance. Although prayer should always be our first step in any decision, we want you to be able to have your ideas laid out in front of the Lord. If you pray first you will only have your two opposing positions to lay before the lord. Take time to listen to what the Lord is saying. This is usually not an audible voice or thought that comes to you mind. The key is to see which idea brings the most peace.
Step Five:
If an agreement still has not been reached the final decision should rest upon the husband-as God has appointed him to be the spiritual leader of the home. This is not a license for the husband to make all decisions. There is a heavy burden and responsibility on the husband if he makes the decision on his own. In the position of Servant Leader in the marriage the husband should regard his wife’s preferences as often as possible. The Bible tells us to put the other first. In Ephesians 5:33 the Bible says that husbands are to unconditionally love their wives and wives are to unconditionally respect their husbands. When this relationship is in place disagreements will rarely if ever lead into conflict.
When couples utilize the above mentioned plan for decision making they can avoid many conflicts.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Step One:
The first thing to do is to notice that you are not in agreement in the very early stages of your discussion. The reason we say “notice you are not in agreement” is because most couples bypass the disagreement and go straight to conflict. When you take time to notice that you are not in agreement, you have the best opportunity to go into healthy communication about the disagreement.
Step Two:
After noticing, the next step is for someone to say “well honey, it looks like we are not in agreement. Let’s brainstorm about it and see if we can make some progress”.
Step Three:
Brainstorming. Few people know how to brainstorm well. They make comments, criticisms and judgments about the other person’s ideas. In effective brainstorming there are no dumb ideas. Each spouse goes back and forth giving one idea at a time. The listening spouse does not give any feedback except saying the work “OK”. Then the other spouse gives an idea. The listening spouse does not give any feedback including whether they thought it was a good idea or not. The couple brainstorms until there are no more ideas left from either of them.
After all ideas have been shared the couple ask your spouse if they feel any agreement with any of the ideas. If they have, you can stop there and end the decision making process. If agreement has not been reached you go to the next step.
Step Four:
If agreement has not been reached it is time to pray together for guidance. Although prayer should always be our first step in any decision, we want you to be able to have your ideas laid out in front of the Lord. If you pray first you will only have your two opposing positions to lay before the lord. Take time to listen to what the Lord is saying. This is usually not an audible voice or thought that comes to you mind. The key is to see which idea brings the most peace.
Step Five:
If an agreement still has not been reached the final decision should rest upon the husband-as God has appointed him to be the spiritual leader of the home. This is not a license for the husband to make all decisions. There is a heavy burden and responsibility on the husband if he makes the decision on his own. In the position of Servant Leader in the marriage the husband should regard his wife’s preferences as often as possible. The Bible tells us to put the other first. In Ephesians 5:33 the Bible says that husbands are to unconditionally love their wives and wives are to unconditionally respect their husbands. When this relationship is in place disagreements will rarely if ever lead into conflict.
When couples utilize the above mentioned plan for decision making they can avoid many conflicts.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Marriage Counseling - How Chaos is a Drain on Marriage
Let’s face it. Usually one spouse is naturally neater than the other. While it seems like a small thing, this can turn into a much larger issue over time when it keeps adding up. Resentment can increase over repeated requests to keep the house neat.
Bills can fall through the cracks. Precious items can get lost. Appointments can be missed. Clutter drains the life out of a home. A messy house can even decrease a wife’s libido.
While the two of you may never have the same idea about what the standards should be for an uncluttered home, you should be able to agree to de-stress the marriage by eliminating clutter. Not because it will now be neat, but because your spouse will feel so much better emotionally.
One of the best ways to prevent reoccurring clutter is to put things away, not down. This prevents the necessity of having to have one spouse pick up after the other. It also means the availability of more together time since you won’t need to spend time picking up a mess.
It is a great tool to get your kids involved as well. There is no need for anyone to leave shoes, socks, dirty dishes, dirty clothes or anything else for someone else to have to pick up.
The key is to make sure there is a place for everything. Then everything can be put in its place.
If you don’t currently have a home for each item, then create a home for it. This may mean that there is not room for everything you own. It also may mean it is a good time to Clean Sweep the home. If you have things lying around that you have not used for a year or more, then do you really need it? Maybe it could be given to someone who has a need for what you obviously are not using.
In order to get the ball rolling, decide that the fun evening activities won’t begin until everything is put away.
No one is exempt. Not Mom, Dad, or the kids. Once you start putting everything away you fill feel less stress. Chaos will diminish and there will be more peace in the home.
In our Marriage Counseling practice this issue arises often. It is amazing how big a deal this can become. It is a sign of disrespect to the one who has to pick up after the other. Marriages do not sustain well when respect is absent.
Love is not just a noun, it is a verb. We can show our spouse how much we love them by making our home a place of peace, free of tension, and conducive to harmony.
Bills can fall through the cracks. Precious items can get lost. Appointments can be missed. Clutter drains the life out of a home. A messy house can even decrease a wife’s libido.
While the two of you may never have the same idea about what the standards should be for an uncluttered home, you should be able to agree to de-stress the marriage by eliminating clutter. Not because it will now be neat, but because your spouse will feel so much better emotionally.
One of the best ways to prevent reoccurring clutter is to put things away, not down. This prevents the necessity of having to have one spouse pick up after the other. It also means the availability of more together time since you won’t need to spend time picking up a mess.
It is a great tool to get your kids involved as well. There is no need for anyone to leave shoes, socks, dirty dishes, dirty clothes or anything else for someone else to have to pick up.
The key is to make sure there is a place for everything. Then everything can be put in its place.
If you don’t currently have a home for each item, then create a home for it. This may mean that there is not room for everything you own. It also may mean it is a good time to Clean Sweep the home. If you have things lying around that you have not used for a year or more, then do you really need it? Maybe it could be given to someone who has a need for what you obviously are not using.
In order to get the ball rolling, decide that the fun evening activities won’t begin until everything is put away.
No one is exempt. Not Mom, Dad, or the kids. Once you start putting everything away you fill feel less stress. Chaos will diminish and there will be more peace in the home.
In our Marriage Counseling practice this issue arises often. It is amazing how big a deal this can become. It is a sign of disrespect to the one who has to pick up after the other. Marriages do not sustain well when respect is absent.
Love is not just a noun, it is a verb. We can show our spouse how much we love them by making our home a place of peace, free of tension, and conducive to harmony.
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