When couples come to our Marriage Counseling practice for a Marriage Intensive they come because they have hurt each other with actions and words. This article is dedicated to talking about words that hurt and words that heal.
First we have to realize that words contain power. When creating the world, God could have chosen many different ways to create it. He could have thought it into existence. He could have blinked His eyes. He could have wiggled His pinky. But, what did God use to create the world? Words.
There is a big connection between answered prayer and what we use our mouth for during all those times when we are not praying. It takes a lot of help from God, because no man can contain the tongue.
We talk a lot and every word contains power. Proverbs 18:21 “The power of life and death is in the tongue.”
Matt 12:36-37 “We are not to speak idle or useless words that have no power, because on judgment day we will give an account for every word.” Matt 12:34 “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”
Our mouth is a major part of our “love walk.” We don’t realize how much our words and our “love walk” are connected. With our words we can either build people up or tear people down. We won’t ever really become accountable for our words until we are convinced they are a reflection of our hearts. Jeremiah 17:9 says “the heart is deceitful above all else.”
We are to get rid of all evil speaking. James 1:26 “Taming our tongues is about self-control.” There are only 2 ways for us to make any progress with our mouths. We have to have a lot of help from God, and we have to keep growing in discipline and self-control. When you want to do something badly enough, you will do it.
We would much rather play the “blame game” than take responsibility. This started in the Garden and it has never stopped. We believe the lie, “It’s not my fault.”If you want your prayers answered, then get rid of all evil communication, all harsh, hard, unjust, unkind and wicked speaking.
You can’t control your mouth if you don’t first control your mind. What is in your mind comes out of your mouth. Our level of spiritual maturity can be easily and quickly judged by listening to our words. How mature in the Lord are you? Show me your tongue.
James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth come blessings and curses and this should not be. Get rid of the mixture—don’t try to bless and then curse too.”
What should we be saying? Be thankful and say so! Psalm 100:4 “…be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name.” Psalm 107:2 says “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so….we need to be thankful and say so.” People will say, “but I’ve got a thankful heart.” Well then, open your mouth! Tell people what you are thankful for and who you are thankful for.
Another thing we are to say are encouraging words. Don’t commit the sin of omission. “I didn’t say anything” is sometimes the problem. It’s not that we said the wrong thing, but we didn’t say the right thing either.
The next thing to say is the truth. Ephesians 4:15 “Let our lives lovingly express the truth.” “Speak the truth in love.”
Lastly, the thing we are to speak is the Word of God. Jeremiah 23:28-29 “Let the one who has God’s Word speak it faithfully because it is like a hammer that will break the hardest rock into pieces.” Just keep hitting your problems with the hammer of God’s Word until they break into pieces. Sometimes when you are hammering, you hit it over and over and it seems like nothing is happening, and then suddenly the next blow shatters the problem!
It all goes back to the mouth. The Bible says in James 3 that the tongue is a little member but it can cause huge problems. How many problems exist in the world that didn’t first start with someone’s words? Our mouth affects all of our relationships in a major way. A relationship can be destroyed or healed through the power of words. It doesn’t do any good to pray about your problem and then talk about how upset you are about it all the time. Don’t pray for your kids in the morning and then spend the rest of the day talking about how worried you are about them and how they are going to turn out. Remember, EVERY WORD we speak has power.
The Bible says we are not to murmur, grumble, fault find, and complain. There is a big difference between explaining and complaining. Explaining is necessary to communicate the reality of a problem or a situation. You can’t fix problems without an explanation first. Complaining is an attitude of the heart that says: “Why is this happening to me?” “I don’t trust God.” “This is not how I want things to be,” We need to look for the treasure in every trial. Most spiritual growth is during the hard times of life.
We are so blessed, but complaining is still one of our greatest challenges. In the Western world, we are spoiled rotten. We don’t want discomfort. We don’t want to wait for anything. We don’t like sacrifice and we fight against pain and hardships.
We need to follow Jesus’ example of how He handled words. When we are being tested, it’s not wise to be talking all the time or be careless with our words.
How would your relationships and life change if you would just stop saying anything negative? It is imperative that we “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” so we can represent Christ during difficult times.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Christian Marriage Counseling: Avoider Pursuer
In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we often hear how one spouse chases and begs the other with unhappy results.
The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.
Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.
Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.
When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.
“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?” We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.
Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.
Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.
If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.
The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.
Avoid:
Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.
If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.
Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.
If still living together:
1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.
When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.
Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.
Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.
When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.
“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?” We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.
Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.
Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.
If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.
The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.
Avoid:
Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.
If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.
Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.
If still living together:
1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.
When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
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