Wednesday, June 9, 2010

God’s Prescription for a Clear Mind

When couples come to us for marriage counseling they have distressed feelings and distressed thoughts. Take a close look at this article to see how your thoughts and mind can be peaceful and calm.

When you begin to claim back the clarity of your thinking from the enemy, he will not want to give up the place that he has had. You will have to do battle with his lies and confusion.

Your first step is to declare, out loud, that you will not allow any outside force to do your thinking – no man and no spirit. There are spiritual laws that demons must obey. They cannot stay where a man wills them not to stay. Your power is in the Name of Jesus, the Blood of Jesus, and the Word of God. Ask God to give you discernment of the lies of the devil.

How often do we think about “what we are thinking about?” As you recognize a lie that comes to your mind, always defend yourself out loud. That means speaking to Satan and the evil forces out loud, binding them in the Name of Jesus and forbidding them to lie to you and to use your mind.

When you catch a lie that comes to your mind, use the prescription on the next page. You will regain peace, your memory, restful nights, and the ability to concentrate and comprehend.

You are in a battle for your mind. Satan chooses to attack our minds, because if he can control our thinking, he can control all of us.

You are not alone, for all of God’s people fight this same fight (Eph 6:12). Make up your mind not to give up. According to Col. 3:2 (Amplified Bible) “Set your mind on things above and keep it set”

As you begin this battle, it might seem worse than ever. The reason is that the demonic powers are fighting to keep their place in your mind (and in your thinking). Call upon God’s Grace in the Name of Jesus, and He will give you the power of the Holy Spirit to fully overcome every evil.

Remember, regaining your mind is a process. We all fail at one time or another. God knows our weaknesses. That is why He gave us 1 John 1:9. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ”Just ask for forgiveness, and see the Blood of Jesus washing away your sins. Don’t give up. Continue claiming what belongs to you (your mind and your thinking belong to you ), and Jesus will help you overcome.

II Tim. 1;7 says, “For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Christian Marriage Counseling: Feeling Follow Actions

When couples come to us for Marriage Counseling, often each spouse is overwhelmed by their own individual feelings. They have reached the point of desperation by the time they get to us and feelings have masked their thinking. Feelings can range from Anger to Fear.

The best way to stop painful feelings is to learn the “Feelings Follow Action” principle.

When we feel a negative emotion, we feel pretty powerless to do anything about it. We hope and pray that we will feel better – we expect the change in emotions to just “happen” to us, similar to how a cloud descends on someone.
We don’t “feel” like acting upbeat or cheerful. We’re sad, or upset, or anxious, etc. We can’t help what we feel. We feel like prisoners of our painful emotions. We want out, but are held hostage.

We can tell you a surefire way to change your feelings in less than an hour – but few people want to do it. When we are hurting – most folks just want to ‘stew’ in their emotional pot. Our negative feelings have sapped our energy.

When we are down, the last thing we want to do is to act happy. It’s fake, it’s phony, and we don’t really feel happy anyway. The truth is that if we take the ACTION of doing things that people do when they are happy – within about an hour, we will start feeling much happier. It’s hard to believe – but it’s the truth!
It seems too simple to actually work, doesn’t it?

All you need to try it for yourself is a list of behaviors you do when you are happy or in a good mood. Your list should be personalized to the things and ways you behave when you are cheerful and happy. Make sure to include doing loving things for other people. That is the greatest mood lifter of all. Even if you can only seek to bless your spouse – that’s OK.

Muster up the courage to try it, “Just this once”. Trying something once doesn’t usually overtax anyone. Tell yourself that this exercise won’t hurt you, and after an hour you can always go back to feeling the way you were feeling before.
Feelings really do follow actions!

About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Christian Marriage Counseling: How to Win Back the One You Love

This article is intended for someone whose spouse is not interested in them or the relationship anymore. It is not meant for all marriages.

The following dynamic is common to mankind. It's even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse's interest.

Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.

Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the "Avoider- Pursuer" dynamic. When one person's position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.

When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening, anything to try to win back the departing spouse.

"I know deep down inside you still love me," she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or "What about all these years together? We have a history that shouldn't be thrown away," she tells him, hoping he will see the light. "I promise I'll change, I know it can work," he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.

Although these acts of desperation are understandable, unfortunately they have the paradoxical effect of actually increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.

Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate's whereabouts and activities.

If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy. This is hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.

The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It's not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.

Avoid:

Don't act down and depressed, don't be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.

If separated:

1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.

Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don't get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.

If still living together:

1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (Actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.

When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Power of Words

When couples come to our Marriage Counseling practice for a Marriage Intensive they come because they have hurt each other with actions and words. This article is dedicated to talking about words that hurt and words that heal.

First we have to realize that words contain power. When creating the world, God could have chosen many different ways to create it. He could have thought it into existence. He could have blinked His eyes. He could have wiggled His pinky. But, what did God use to create the world? Words.

There is a big connection between answered prayer and what we use our mouth for during all those times when we are not praying. It takes a lot of help from God, because no man can contain the tongue.

We talk a lot and every word contains power. Proverbs 18:21 “The power of life and death is in the tongue.”

Matt 12:36-37 “We are not to speak idle or useless words that have no power, because on judgment day we will give an account for every word.” Matt 12:34 “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

Our mouth is a major part of our “love walk.” We don’t realize how much our words and our “love walk” are connected. With our words we can either build people up or tear people down. We won’t ever really become accountable for our words until we are convinced they are a reflection of our hearts. Jeremiah 17:9 says “the heart is deceitful above all else.”

We are to get rid of all evil speaking. James 1:26 “Taming our tongues is about self-control.” There are only 2 ways for us to make any progress with our mouths. We have to have a lot of help from God, and we have to keep growing in discipline and self-control. When you want to do something badly enough, you will do it.

We would much rather play the “blame game” than take responsibility. This started in the Garden and it has never stopped. We believe the lie, “It’s not my fault.”If you want your prayers answered, then get rid of all evil communication, all harsh, hard, unjust, unkind and wicked speaking.

You can’t control your mouth if you don’t first control your mind. What is in your mind comes out of your mouth. Our level of spiritual maturity can be easily and quickly judged by listening to our words. How mature in the Lord are you? Show me your tongue.

James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth come blessings and curses and this should not be. Get rid of the mixture—don’t try to bless and then curse too.”

What should we be saying? Be thankful and say so! Psalm 100:4 “…be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name.” Psalm 107:2 says “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so….we need to be thankful and say so.” People will say, “but I’ve got a thankful heart.” Well then, open your mouth! Tell people what you are thankful for and who you are thankful for.

Another thing we are to say are encouraging words. Don’t commit the sin of omission. “I didn’t say anything” is sometimes the problem. It’s not that we said the wrong thing, but we didn’t say the right thing either.

The next thing to say is the truth. Ephesians 4:15 “Let our lives lovingly express the truth.” “Speak the truth in love.”

Lastly, the thing we are to speak is the Word of God. Jeremiah 23:28-29 “Let the one who has God’s Word speak it faithfully because it is like a hammer that will break the hardest rock into pieces.” Just keep hitting your problems with the hammer of God’s Word until they break into pieces. Sometimes when you are hammering, you hit it over and over and it seems like nothing is happening, and then suddenly the next blow shatters the problem!

It all goes back to the mouth. The Bible says in James 3 that the tongue is a little member but it can cause huge problems. How many problems exist in the world that didn’t first start with someone’s words? Our mouth affects all of our relationships in a major way. A relationship can be destroyed or healed through the power of words. It doesn’t do any good to pray about your problem and then talk about how upset you are about it all the time. Don’t pray for your kids in the morning and then spend the rest of the day talking about how worried you are about them and how they are going to turn out. Remember, EVERY WORD we speak has power.

The Bible says we are not to murmur, grumble, fault find, and complain. There is a big difference between explaining and complaining. Explaining is necessary to communicate the reality of a problem or a situation. You can’t fix problems without an explanation first. Complaining is an attitude of the heart that says: “Why is this happening to me?” “I don’t trust God.” “This is not how I want things to be,” We need to look for the treasure in every trial. Most spiritual growth is during the hard times of life.

We are so blessed, but complaining is still one of our greatest challenges. In the Western world, we are spoiled rotten. We don’t want discomfort. We don’t want to wait for anything. We don’t like sacrifice and we fight against pain and hardships.

We need to follow Jesus’ example of how He handled words. When we are being tested, it’s not wise to be talking all the time or be careless with our words.

How would your relationships and life change if you would just stop saying anything negative? It is imperative that we “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” so we can represent Christ during difficult times.

About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Christian Marriage Counseling: Avoider Pursuer

In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we often hear how one spouse chases and begs the other with unhappy results.

The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.

Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.

Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.

When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.

“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?” We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.

Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.

Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.

If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.

The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.


Avoid:
Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.

If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.


Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.


If still living together:

1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.


When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.


About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Marriage Counseling: Financial Stress and Crisis

“How to mend your Marriage when the Bank is breaking”

Financial stress is overtaking many marriages today. It can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back when there are other issues in a marriage. Financial worries invite couples to play the “blame game”. No one is taking their own portion of responsibility, each just blames the other.

Whether it is a job loss, overspending, unexpected bills or a myriad of other challenges, this is a time to come together. It is not a time to point fingers. It is more important to plan together how to overcome the situation than to concentrate on whose fault it is.

There are times when both spouses share in the responsibility and times when one has had a greater influence in the degrading of financial stability. In either case, it is important for the two of you to be part of the solution.

In most marriages one of the spouses is a spender and one is a saver. This is quite typical. Often the reason for the differences is previous life experiences. But when you are already in financial crisis, it is imperative to join forces in order to get your feet back on the ground.

If it took a long time to get into the “financial mess” it may not be a quick turnaround. The time to achieve financial health will be shortened when you work together rather than focusing on the problem itself.

One of the things couples do is to hide from the total truth. It is important to lay out the entire financial situation. Starting with regular bills and obligations and working your way through the occasional expenditure. Also it is important to plan for the unexpected. The only way to be in charge of your finances is manage them rather than having them manage you.

Many couples find that by contacting their creditors they can make arrangements to pay off bills at a slower pace, or sometimes the creditors are willing to settle for a smaller amount.

There are many ways to move forward, but one that we like is to pay off the smaller bills first so that you can experience a sense of accomplishment. Like all of you financial decisions it is important to enthusiastically agree on your methodology.
There are only two ways to move from financial despair to financial security and it is best if you combine the two.

The first is to increase your income. Some people find their options limited and others have a variety of choices. In either case, you need to do whatever is available. It may be for each of you to work more than one job for a period of time.
If there are children in the home, it may require some creativity. One answer could be to do web based work. There are many options but it does require effort to find the right fit. When the economy heats up again, it will be easier to find additional employment.

The other method is to spend less. Decrease your spending wherever you can. For folks that have kids, it is important to look at what you are spending on their activities. We do not endorse regular multiple activities for each child. It takes away from family time and minimizes their ability to entertain themselves. We do not always do our children a favor by allowing them to participate in everything.
The most important ingredient is to make these decisions together.

About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dealing with In-Laws

In our Marriage Counseling Practice we often see couples whose In-Laws are causing problems in the marriage. Whether it is too close, or not close enough, In-Laws can turn into Out-Laws very quickly.

The problems don’t always begin the same way. Sometimes there has been no “individuation” (becoming separate) on the part of the adult children. The Bible instructs couples to leave and cleave in order to become one flesh. This is not possible if the adult children do not separate in a healthy way from their parents. The parents may or may not be trying to hang on, but the results can be the same.

When adult children maintain a dependence on their parents after marriage, it interferes with the husband wife relationship. Even when it is disguised as asking for advice from a parent it can cause a division between the couple. If the wife looks to her father for help in making decisions, the husband can feel totally disrespected. He may feel that he (the husband) is not the primary male figure in the marriage.

Likewise if the husband is overly close with his mother the wife is unable to assume the role of nurturer and the number one woman in his life. This is especially true if the couple is living with the parents. This keeps them still in the role of a child.

When adult children receive money from their parents the help often comes with some sort of “strings” attached. This may be overt or covert. Maybe nothing is even said about it.

When parents disapprove of the “in-law “adult child, it puts their child in the middle between the parents and their spouse. The adult child’s allegiance should always be to their spouse; number one after the Lord.

A case in point would be when Mary’s parents are speaking disrespectfully about Mary’s husband Tom behind his back. Rather than defending Tom, Mary should explain to her parents that it’s not ok to talk about Tom that way. If Mary’s parents continue, Mary should walk away.

If Mary’s parents are disrespecting Tom in front of him Mary should get between her parents and Tom and boldly say, “If you continue talking about Tom this way, we will leave.”

It is important for couples to keep their “marriage business” private. They should not be discussing their marital issues with their parents, family or friends.
These discussions should be limited to their Pastor, Christian Counselor, or one trusted friend that both spouses’ agree on.

We recommend the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
As the Bible says in Genesis 2:24, therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Of course this applies for women as well.

In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we regularly see couples who need help restructuring the family dynamic in order to “leave and cleave”.

God’s Blessing on your marriage. Let it be healthy and happy.

About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Monday, March 22, 2010

Building Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage

There is a limit on how close a couple can be to each other if they are not also close to God. Not only individually close to God, but close as a couple as well.

In our Marriage Counseling practice most of the couples who come to us want a deeper spiritual life together. How does a couple get closer to God?

The first thing to do is plan/prepare. Sit down as a couple to talk about the things that have made you feel close to God in the past or that you think would make you close to God in the present. Make two lists. It would be common for each spouse to have different ideas. Since this article is about getting closer to God as a couple, look at the two lists to see if there is anything you could do together.

Set yourselves up for success. See if there is an item that both of you have on your lists (for instance prayer). Talk about how you both like to pray, when to pray, and where to pray. The goal is to come into agreement on how you would like to go about praying as a couple. There is an old saying that couples that pray together stay together.

Getting started is the easy part. The more difficult part is to be consistent with your new goal. Let’s look at some things that would help. You can start with setting a specific time each day. If setting a time each day is too rigid a couple might try setting a sequence, i.e. breakfast, dress, make bed, prayer. Also a couple might arrange accountability with another couple who would like to also improve their spiritual life together.

Once you have started your new goals and practiced them for a period of time, perhaps 30 days, it will become second nature to you and it will require much less effort to sustain.

The strongest thing that you can then do as a couple is to turn outward to help other people. Volunteer at church, help out at a shelter or soup kitchen, or visit a sick friend. If your schedule is too busy to help others, then you are too busy. Purposely helping others will be a life changing experience.

Taking turns reading aloud from a book that helps you get closer to God is very effective. When you read aloud you both experience the words at the same time and can have very meaningful discussions on the content.

Praying for each other is an excellent tool and life changing experience. We recommend buying and using Stormy Ormartian’s Power of a Praying Husband and Power of a Prating Wife as great tools for those who are not experience at praying for each other.

Nothing is more important and effective than reading the Bible. My wife and I read the same Chapter at the same time. We highlight the verses that are the most meaningful to us and then discuss together.

In our Christian Marriage Counseling practice we see that couples that are close to God heal the fastest even if they come to us in crisis. We also see that those couples who have not been close to God and close to each other before they came, but make the decision to change have great success in healing their hurts and regaining a true “closeness”.

About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Having Trouble Making Decisions Together? Here is Help!

In our Marriage Counseling practice, we are often asked about situations where couples have a difficult time making decisions. Each spouse is vested in getting their own way. So how should a couple make decisions?

Step One:

The first thing to do is to notice that you are not in agreement in the very early stages of your discussion. The reason we say “notice you are not in agreement” is because most couples bypass the disagreement and go straight to conflict. When you take time to notice that you are not in agreement, you have the best opportunity to go into healthy communication about the disagreement.

Step Two:

After noticing, the next step is for someone to say “well honey, it looks like we are not in agreement. Let’s brainstorm about it and see if we can make some progress”.

Step Three:

Brainstorming. Few people know how to brainstorm well. They make comments, criticisms and judgments about the other person’s ideas. In effective brainstorming there are no dumb ideas. Each spouse goes back and forth giving one idea at a time. The listening spouse does not give any feedback except saying the work “OK”. Then the other spouse gives an idea. The listening spouse does not give any feedback including whether they thought it was a good idea or not. The couple brainstorms until there are no more ideas left from either of them.

After all ideas have been shared the couple ask your spouse if they feel any agreement with any of the ideas. If they have, you can stop there and end the decision making process. If agreement has not been reached you go to the next step.

Step Four:

If agreement has not been reached it is time to pray together for guidance. Although prayer should always be our first step in any decision, we want you to be able to have your ideas laid out in front of the Lord. If you pray first you will only have your two opposing positions to lay before the lord. Take time to listen to what the Lord is saying. This is usually not an audible voice or thought that comes to you mind. The key is to see which idea brings the most peace.

Step Five:

If an agreement still has not been reached the final decision should rest upon the husband-as God has appointed him to be the spiritual leader of the home. This is not a license for the husband to make all decisions. There is a heavy burden and responsibility on the husband if he makes the decision on his own. In the position of Servant Leader in the marriage the husband should regard his wife’s preferences as often as possible. The Bible tells us to put the other first. In Ephesians 5:33 the Bible says that husbands are to unconditionally love their wives and wives are to unconditionally respect their husbands. When this relationship is in place disagreements will rarely if ever lead into conflict.
When couples utilize the above mentioned plan for decision making they can avoid many conflicts.

About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Marriage Counseling - How Chaos is a Drain on Marriage

Let’s face it. Usually one spouse is naturally neater than the other. While it seems like a small thing, this can turn into a much larger issue over time when it keeps adding up. Resentment can increase over repeated requests to keep the house neat.
Bills can fall through the cracks. Precious items can get lost. Appointments can be missed. Clutter drains the life out of a home. A messy house can even decrease a wife’s libido.

While the two of you may never have the same idea about what the standards should be for an uncluttered home, you should be able to agree to de-stress the marriage by eliminating clutter. Not because it will now be neat, but because your spouse will feel so much better emotionally.

One of the best ways to prevent reoccurring clutter is to put things away, not down. This prevents the necessity of having to have one spouse pick up after the other. It also means the availability of more together time since you won’t need to spend time picking up a mess.

It is a great tool to get your kids involved as well. There is no need for anyone to leave shoes, socks, dirty dishes, dirty clothes or anything else for someone else to have to pick up.

The key is to make sure there is a place for everything. Then everything can be put in its place.

If you don’t currently have a home for each item, then create a home for it. This may mean that there is not room for everything you own. It also may mean it is a good time to Clean Sweep the home. If you have things lying around that you have not used for a year or more, then do you really need it? Maybe it could be given to someone who has a need for what you obviously are not using.

In order to get the ball rolling, decide that the fun evening activities won’t begin until everything is put away.

No one is exempt. Not Mom, Dad, or the kids. Once you start putting everything away you fill feel less stress. Chaos will diminish and there will be more peace in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice this issue arises often. It is amazing how big a deal this can become. It is a sign of disrespect to the one who has to pick up after the other. Marriages do not sustain well when respect is absent.

Love is not just a noun, it is a verb. We can show our spouse how much we love them by making our home a place of peace, free of tension, and conducive to harmony.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Two Main Types of Control in a Marriage

There are two main types of controlling behavior in a marriage relationship. There is aggressive control, which is outward and overt and then there is passive control which is more covert and hidden.

Let’s tackle the aggressive, active control first. What are the typical ways someone can actively try to control one’s spouse?

It can be either spouse that tries to control their spouse. The root cause underneath the control is fear and insecurity. The controlling person believes that if they can control others their world will be more ok. Unfortunately it does not work out that way. The net result is distance, distrust and killing feelings of love.

When Michael and Susan came into our office, Susan presented as a meek and mild mannered woman. She said that Michael was a bully and that she was afraid of him. We spent some time with Michael individually as well, and he did not have much to say about himself or Susan. He was pretty shut down. When we worked with them as a couple we saw the dynamic between the two of them in action. Michael was obviously walking on egg shells, trying not to upset Susan. He was very careful to not say anything that would upset her.

Soon Susan’s façade as the meek and mild mannered spouse crumbled away as she showed her true colors by using anger to control Michael.

We work with a lot of couples in our Marriage Counseling practice where one spouse uses anger in an attempt to control the other. This is not the main problem in their recovery. The main problem is when the angry spouse does not own that they have an anger problem. When we gently confronted Susan about her Anger problem she became highly defensive and blamed her anger on Michael’s behavior. According to Susan, she was merely reacting to Michael and was not taking responsibility for her choice to become angry.

Passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger.

Michael knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Susan up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments infuriated her. He knew that breaking promises pushed Susan’s hottest button. Most passive aggressive behavior is intentional, although a passive aggressive person can really come across as the “nice guy”.

The more passive Michael would be, the more aggressive Susan would become. It was a lose-lose situation. How can this cycle of controlling behavior be broken? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouse to see and acknowledge their behaviors. Although it is the truth that set’s us free, it is the truth about ourselves not the truth in general.
After Susan and Michael each saw their own behaviors in this light, they were ready for the next step.

The next step was for each of them to come up with baby steps that would eliminate their individual controlling behaviors.

Susan set a goal to give herself a timeout when she first started feeling angry. She also started jogging which helped her release a lot of the stress in her life.
Michael started journaling his feelings. This was a safe way for Michael to start feeling his feelings and expressing his feelings. He shared a lot of his journal with Susan. Michael learned how to confront Susan when she tried to control him with her anger by speaking up and saying “I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way”.
There are many steps that couples can take in learning how to stop trying to control each other. We have shown just a couple ideas about how to stop the unhealthy pattern and bring the two of you closer.

If you need more help, we recommend getting into effective Marriage Counseling which can help you regain the closeness you once had.

If you are interested in finding out more about our Marriage Counseling practice, you can find us on the web at www.MarriageRescue.org

Thursday, January 28, 2010

4 Reasons Why Couples Seek Marriage Counseling

In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we see couples for a variety of reasons. The list above includes most of the complaints we hear about.

The number one reason that couples seek Marriage Counseling is Infidelity. Whether it is a onetime affair, chronic affairs, or sexual addiction, infidelity is running rampant across our country. Infidelity does not discriminate. Men do it, women do it, the wealthy do it, and the poor do it. One thing that is true in all cases of infidelity is the utter devastation and wreckage it does to a marriage. It is the ultimate in betrayal.

The good news is that Marriage can survive infidelity. Not only can marriages survive infidelity, but the marriage can become stronger than it has ever been. Not because of the affair, but because of the work couples do to restore love and rebuild trust.

Another problem that brings couples to Marriage Counseling is Conflicts and Arguing. Often time the conflict and arguments revolve around the same old subjects that have never been resolved. The repetitive nature of the same old topics again and again can strain and drain any relationship.

The time to discuss these recurring issues is not during conflict. When things are calm between the two of you it is the time to kindly and calmly work toward resolve. Many couples need the help of a Marriage Counselor to accomplish this.

The next problem is Communication. When are we ever taught how to communicate with each other? We don’t learn it in high school or college, and our parents probably did not teach it to us either. When we aren’t taught how to be good listeners and speakers, communication is bound to be rough. Both people wind up feeling misunderstood, and as a result of feeling misunderstood they feel unloved. One of the most frequent areas of communication problems is money. In most cases neither spouse has sat down and expressed their expectations. Typically a “saver” marries a “spender”, so unless couples carve out the time to get into agreement about how money is spent and saved it can become a large, complicated issue.

A fourth problem that brings couples into marriage counseling is Blended Families. These days there is a very high percentage of families that are the result of second, third or more marriages. This can involve children from two or more families. The result can be “my kids” and “your kids” rather than our kids. The birth parent and the step parent often have very different ideas about how to raise and discipline children. Conflict ensues and the whole house lives in tension.
All of these issues are important enough to seek help from a qualified Marriage Counselor.

Please keep an eye out for our upcoming article on two more very important reasons why couples seek marriage counseling. Trust and Control.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Monday, January 25, 2010

Marriage Counseling - How to be the Spiritual Leader in your home

In Christian homes when the husband does not assume his Spiritual Leader role a vacuum forms and often the wife is forced into being the leader. This is uncomfortable for the wife since God did not give her that responsibility. It can create a great deal of resentment in both the wife and also the husband who can interpret this as “control”.

When the wife is forced into filling this role it can often lead to being the leader in many other ways. Now there is real danger of inappropriate balance of control in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice we see this situation often. We are presented with couples that are not filling the roles that they were designed to fill. When we speak with the wife who is perceived as controlling by her husband, she often tells us that she would give anything to “get off the throne” and follow her husband, but he just won’t lead.

What can she do? What can he do? The first step is to understand who God has called us to be. God has called the husband to be the “servant leader” in the home, even going so far as to lay down his life for his wife and family as Christ laid down His life for the Church. We see many husbands who would step in front of a bus for their wives but neglect to protect their wives in the day to day business of life.

There may be a number of reasons why he is not “stepping up to the plate” as leader. Oftentimes we see passive men marry more outgoing and active women. The man’s passivity becomes a serious problem in these relationships. He stays in his comfort zone, not realizing or caring what this is doing to the relationship. In this case, it is important for the wife to step aside and not lead; even if things fall through the cracks. The husband cannot fill a role that is already filled. He cannot lead if she is leading. It may seem very scary, but it is absolutely necessary to let him fill the role.

It may also be that she has always felt like she is the one who should be in control, thinking her husband as incapable of leading. It is particularly important for her to turn over the reins to her husband.

Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with the wife. Some men are just so passive that it would never dawn on them to be the leader. In this case it may require counseling from your Pastor or Marriage Counseling from a Christian Marriage Counselor.

So, what should the husband do? After realizing and understanding that this is his God given role, he will need to confront the fear of operating in the unknown. His job is to make sure that he understands who is in Christ. There are many good books written on this subject. God gives us the Grace to do what He calls us to do, so the husband is able to lead.

There are practical things that a Spiritual Leader does. He makes sure that he has his own personal time with God on a daily basis. That he “talks” with God on a regular basis. This includes more than just speaking to God (what we normally call praying) but listening as well. He himself needs to be strengthened before he can successfully lead others.

He is responsible for making sure he and his wife spend joint time with God. This can include Bible Study, prayer, attending a Church that fulfills both of them and making sure the whole family is included if there are children in the home.

He is also responsible for protecting the home from any outside bad influences or spiritual attacks.

He can also see that he and his wife become active in a small group at their Church. This will help surround the couple with fellow believers who are like minded and are there for each other.
This may seem like a big job, but God never gives us a job too big for us to handle.

We pray that your marriage fulfills God’s calling and that both you and your Spouse search out what God has in store for you. If you both are close to God, you will be close to each other.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Marriage Counseling - Respect and Boundaries in Marriage

Many people think that boundaries are like a “keep out” fence that distance you from your spouse. In fact, appropriate boundaries bring you closer in Marriage. Respect is one of the foundational aspects of a close and healthy marriage. We all want and deserve respect. Below is a list of boundaries and ways to show your spouse respect. Employing these suggestions will have a very positive effect on your marriage.

· Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas! Otherwise secrets are very damaging to a marriage. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Secrets often are about money and relationships. We do not have to share things from our past that we have repented of and that do not affect your relationship today.

· Keep your mate’s flaws private. Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your family or friends. This is very disrespectful to your mate. The first person you should talk to is your spouse. Sit down and have an honest discussion about the problem. If your mate’s flaws become damaging to your relationship, seek out the help of your Pastor or a Counselor.

· On a similar note, keep your marriage problems private. Seek help from your Pastor or seek Marriage Counseling. Sometimes even reading a good book on the subject may help; especially if the two of you read it together. Sharing your problems with family or friends tends to polarize the situation. Rarely, even if we are sure about it, is the person we go to objective. After all, they are our friend or family member and they care about us so much that they may not be objective.

· It is important to create appropriate division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. In the current day and age often there are two wage earners in the home. When Mom stays at home with the kids, she can be just as, if not more exhausted than Dad.

· In a Marriage, there is no place for close “personal “friends of the opposite sex. This can create significant problems in a relationship. Affairs often develop out of situations where a person goes to their friend because “they are not being understood” at home. When the “friend” steps in and fills that role it is fertile ground for an affair to develop. You may say that you are not that kind of person to let that happen. As Marriage Counselors, we hear those very words from many couples who come to us to try to heal from adultery. Be wise and make your spouse your only close friend of the opposite sex.

One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).

Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Marriage Counseling - Affair Proofing Your Marriage

We read about it all the time. It is on the evening news and tabloids. Famous people like Tiger Woods and Governor Mark Sanford, and not so famous people like your next door neighbor. Sometimes it seems like there is an epidemic of infidelity similar to the swine flu. It is ruining lives and marriages.

Can anything be done about it? Well, there is nothing you can do about other people’s marriages, but you can do something about your own.

The first thing you can do is put each other first after God. In our Marriage Counseling practice we hear story after story telling us how things were wonderful and then all of a sudden there was the admission of an affair. When you step back and look at the chronology it becomes apparent that it didn’t happen that way. Things were not as wonderful as one of the spouses thought. Marriages don’t go from Heaven to Hell overnight.

There are numerous outside influences in marriages and it is extremely important to protect your relationship from distractions and external attacks.

You can protect yourself and your relationship by making sure that you put your spouse first. When you marry that means that your “family” that you were born into or adopted into no longer is your first priority. This can be difficult but is necessary. You can also protect your relationship by making sure you do not continue close relationships with members of the opposite sex. It can be very tempting to go to a friend to talk about marital problems and create a bond of understanding that can often lead into an affair. You think not? We see it all the time.

You can protect your marriage by being sensitive to meeting your spouse’s needs.

It all starts with communication and having each of your needs met. Your spouse can’t meet your needs if they don’t know your needs. They can’t know your needs if you don’t tell them. They can’t understand the needs you have told them about if they do not listen…….really listen.

Your spouse will be more interested in meeting your needs when you have a similar interest in meeting their needs.

A great way to “affair proof” your marriage is to engage in regular emotionally connecting conversation. This will allow you to keep current. Share all of your emotions whether they are mad, sad, glad, or scared.

If you are in a situation where your spouse’s behavior or words are causing you pain, it is important to talk it through in order to keep your relationship from becoming a time bomb. A Marriage full of praise, affirmation and appreciation is far more likely to flourish rather than one filled with control, criticism and complaints.

Be a blessing to one another and have a blessed marriage.

Seek Help for Your Marriage – Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling

Charlotte, NC (January 19, 2010) – With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Since most couples aren’t able to attend a Marriage Intensive in their own city, or even in their own state, 95% of our couples fly or drive to us from all over the country. We are located 10 minutes south of Charlotte, NC. We are a convenient 35 minutes from the Charlotte-Douglas International Airport.

Marriage Counseling Statement of Faith:

  • § We believe that the Holy Bible is the inerrant Word of God.
  • § We believe in the Holy Trinity of God; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
  • § We believe that Jesus was born of the Virgin Mary. He was and is the only one to ever live a sinless life.
  • § We believe that we are saved by Grace through Faith in Jesus Christ and His death, burial, and physical resurrection.
  • § We believe that the Blood of Jesus Christ shed on Calvary was and is sufficient to forgive man of all his sins.
  • § We believe in the physical and visible return of Jesus Christ to the earth.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Monday, January 11, 2010

Marriage Counseling - De-Stressing Your Marriage

In our Marriage Counseling Practice clients tell us that their marriages are very stressed. We have discovered a number of common threads that lead to this stress.

Here are a few:

1. Lack of time. Too many commitments often caused by the inability to say no to a request.
2. Lack of money. With the economy causing job losses it is particularly a problem these days.
3. Lack of sleep. This can be very hard on our bodies, our minds, and our emotions.
4. Lack of organization usually leads to a chaotic home and schedule.
5. Lack or exercise. With little or no exercise our bodies and minds don’t function well.
6. No recreation. No fun in our lives.
7. Too many outside activities for the children. This is stressful on both the parents and the kids.

Here are some antidotes for a stress filled life:

1. Prayer. God provides a place of Rest and Peace for us when we seek Him.
2. Money management. If you need help budgeting there are those who can help.
3. Don’t put things down, put them away. A messy house leads to stress.
4. Do a “Daily Plan” to organize your time and make sure you are not over committed.
5. Just say no to requests that are more than you can handle in a healthy way.
6. Get plenty or rest and exercise.
7. Mark out at least one day each week for fun, relaxation, and recreation.
8. Limit children’s outside activities.
9. Laughter. The Bible says that laughter restores the soul.

We can only handle so much stress before our personal health is affected. Likewise our relationships can only handle so much stress before they are negatively affected.

Most couples can make these changes on their own. But, if your marriage has already moved into a heavily stressed relationship, you may need outside help. Often folks turn to Marriage Counseling for help from an expert.

There is hope that you can relieve the stress in your Marriage.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

Visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Marriage Counseling - How can I tell if my spouse is having an affair?

Below are lists of things that your spouse may say or do if they are having an affair. Even if they say and do all of these things on the list, it doesn’t guarantee they are having an affair. It does however mean that the two of you should sit down and have an open and honest conversation.

Things that unfaithful Spouse’s often say:
1. I’m just not in love with you anymore.
2. I don’t know that I have ever been in love with you.
3. I need my space and privacy, maybe we should think about a separation.
4. I need to find myself.
5. I’m confused about my feelings.
6. Right now I don’t feel I can be in a relationship with anyone.
7. I just need to get to know myself.

Things that unfaithful spouse’s often do.
1. Stay out late.
2. Don’t want to answer where they have been or who they have been with.
3. Act secretive with cell phone and computer. (Password Protected)
4. Suddenly stopped going to Church.
5. Withdrawn and moody (private).
6. Get angry easily.
7. Don’t show as much interest in the kids
8. Change in Sexual interest ( Not interested in sex anymore)
9. Unaccounted for withdrawal of money from your accounts.
10. Sudden out of town trips.

While these signs may indicate potential problems, it is very important to talk about what you are noticing. Any of the items on the two above lists can make a marriage vulnerable for an affair even if one has not yet started.

Your spouse may be withdrawing for reasons other than an affair. Having an open an honest discussion can be the start of the road back to closeness.

If talking with your spouse does not start to repair the distance between the two of you, then Marriage Counseling might be indicated.

Even if there is an admission of adultery there is hope. Eighty-five percent of the couples that come to us have experience adultery. Ninety percent of those couples walk away committed to their marriages.

A marriage can not only survive and affair, but it can become even stronger. Not because of the affair, but because of the work the couple does to create a newer and stronger marriage.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

Visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Marriage Counseling: Keeping Your Marriage Business Private

With almost 30 years of Marriage Counseling experience we have discovered that it is critical to keep your marriage business private. This is true when things are going well and also when things are not going so well. It is particularly important if your marriage or family is in crisis.
This does not mean that you should have to handle the hurt and pain all by yourself. When you are in pain it is important to have someone to talk with. That person should not be a friend or a family member.
It may seem like they would be the best person to share with, but that is not so.
Why?
1. It hurts trust between you and your spouse. You spouse may feel embarrassed when you share your relationship difficulties with family or friends. It is very disrespectful. Would you want your flaws exposed to others outside the privacy of marriage?

2. Often, when we go to others asking for prayer, we are actually using this as an opportunity to gossip about our mate and line up support for our side of the conflict. If we air our dirty linen and later you and your spouse have “made up” the person you shared with may still have negative feelings about your spouse.

3. When we get advice from family or friends we may get “one sided” advice. They most likely will not be impartial. They may care more about you than the truth. When you share your “version” of the truth, it may not be accurate. In all of our years of Marriage Counseling, we have rarely seen a situation where both spouses did not have some of the responsibility.

4. What kind of axe to grind does your confidant have? Since half of all marriages end in divorce, it is likely that the person you are seeking help from may have hurts or prejudices that affect their advice. A classic example would be getting marriage advice from a divorced friend who is angry at their ex spouse.


Of course it is important to get help when you need it. We recommend that you choose the appropriate marriage counselor to get the help from. If you and you mate cannot calmly talk out the situation, then seek guidance from your Pastor or a qualified Marriage Counselor. Don’t make the mistake of making a bad situation worse.

Visit us at www.marriagerescue.org for additional information and support.