Thursday, January 28, 2010

4 Reasons Why Couples Seek Marriage Counseling

In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we see couples for a variety of reasons. The list above includes most of the complaints we hear about.

The number one reason that couples seek Marriage Counseling is Infidelity. Whether it is a onetime affair, chronic affairs, or sexual addiction, infidelity is running rampant across our country. Infidelity does not discriminate. Men do it, women do it, the wealthy do it, and the poor do it. One thing that is true in all cases of infidelity is the utter devastation and wreckage it does to a marriage. It is the ultimate in betrayal.

The good news is that Marriage can survive infidelity. Not only can marriages survive infidelity, but the marriage can become stronger than it has ever been. Not because of the affair, but because of the work couples do to restore love and rebuild trust.

Another problem that brings couples to Marriage Counseling is Conflicts and Arguing. Often time the conflict and arguments revolve around the same old subjects that have never been resolved. The repetitive nature of the same old topics again and again can strain and drain any relationship.

The time to discuss these recurring issues is not during conflict. When things are calm between the two of you it is the time to kindly and calmly work toward resolve. Many couples need the help of a Marriage Counselor to accomplish this.

The next problem is Communication. When are we ever taught how to communicate with each other? We don’t learn it in high school or college, and our parents probably did not teach it to us either. When we aren’t taught how to be good listeners and speakers, communication is bound to be rough. Both people wind up feeling misunderstood, and as a result of feeling misunderstood they feel unloved. One of the most frequent areas of communication problems is money. In most cases neither spouse has sat down and expressed their expectations. Typically a “saver” marries a “spender”, so unless couples carve out the time to get into agreement about how money is spent and saved it can become a large, complicated issue.

A fourth problem that brings couples into marriage counseling is Blended Families. These days there is a very high percentage of families that are the result of second, third or more marriages. This can involve children from two or more families. The result can be “my kids” and “your kids” rather than our kids. The birth parent and the step parent often have very different ideas about how to raise and discipline children. Conflict ensues and the whole house lives in tension.
All of these issues are important enough to seek help from a qualified Marriage Counselor.

Please keep an eye out for our upcoming article on two more very important reasons why couples seek marriage counseling. Trust and Control.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Monday, January 25, 2010

Marriage Counseling - How to be the Spiritual Leader in your home

In Christian homes when the husband does not assume his Spiritual Leader role a vacuum forms and often the wife is forced into being the leader. This is uncomfortable for the wife since God did not give her that responsibility. It can create a great deal of resentment in both the wife and also the husband who can interpret this as “control”.

When the wife is forced into filling this role it can often lead to being the leader in many other ways. Now there is real danger of inappropriate balance of control in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice we see this situation often. We are presented with couples that are not filling the roles that they were designed to fill. When we speak with the wife who is perceived as controlling by her husband, she often tells us that she would give anything to “get off the throne” and follow her husband, but he just won’t lead.

What can she do? What can he do? The first step is to understand who God has called us to be. God has called the husband to be the “servant leader” in the home, even going so far as to lay down his life for his wife and family as Christ laid down His life for the Church. We see many husbands who would step in front of a bus for their wives but neglect to protect their wives in the day to day business of life.

There may be a number of reasons why he is not “stepping up to the plate” as leader. Oftentimes we see passive men marry more outgoing and active women. The man’s passivity becomes a serious problem in these relationships. He stays in his comfort zone, not realizing or caring what this is doing to the relationship. In this case, it is important for the wife to step aside and not lead; even if things fall through the cracks. The husband cannot fill a role that is already filled. He cannot lead if she is leading. It may seem very scary, but it is absolutely necessary to let him fill the role.

It may also be that she has always felt like she is the one who should be in control, thinking her husband as incapable of leading. It is particularly important for her to turn over the reins to her husband.

Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with the wife. Some men are just so passive that it would never dawn on them to be the leader. In this case it may require counseling from your Pastor or Marriage Counseling from a Christian Marriage Counselor.

So, what should the husband do? After realizing and understanding that this is his God given role, he will need to confront the fear of operating in the unknown. His job is to make sure that he understands who is in Christ. There are many good books written on this subject. God gives us the Grace to do what He calls us to do, so the husband is able to lead.

There are practical things that a Spiritual Leader does. He makes sure that he has his own personal time with God on a daily basis. That he “talks” with God on a regular basis. This includes more than just speaking to God (what we normally call praying) but listening as well. He himself needs to be strengthened before he can successfully lead others.

He is responsible for making sure he and his wife spend joint time with God. This can include Bible Study, prayer, attending a Church that fulfills both of them and making sure the whole family is included if there are children in the home.

He is also responsible for protecting the home from any outside bad influences or spiritual attacks.

He can also see that he and his wife become active in a small group at their Church. This will help surround the couple with fellow believers who are like minded and are there for each other.
This may seem like a big job, but God never gives us a job too big for us to handle.

We pray that your marriage fulfills God’s calling and that both you and your Spouse search out what God has in store for you. If you both are close to God, you will be close to each other.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Marriage Counseling - Respect and Boundaries in Marriage

Many people think that boundaries are like a “keep out” fence that distance you from your spouse. In fact, appropriate boundaries bring you closer in Marriage. Respect is one of the foundational aspects of a close and healthy marriage. We all want and deserve respect. Below is a list of boundaries and ways to show your spouse respect. Employing these suggestions will have a very positive effect on your marriage.

· Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas! Otherwise secrets are very damaging to a marriage. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Secrets often are about money and relationships. We do not have to share things from our past that we have repented of and that do not affect your relationship today.

· Keep your mate’s flaws private. Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your family or friends. This is very disrespectful to your mate. The first person you should talk to is your spouse. Sit down and have an honest discussion about the problem. If your mate’s flaws become damaging to your relationship, seek out the help of your Pastor or a Counselor.

· On a similar note, keep your marriage problems private. Seek help from your Pastor or seek Marriage Counseling. Sometimes even reading a good book on the subject may help; especially if the two of you read it together. Sharing your problems with family or friends tends to polarize the situation. Rarely, even if we are sure about it, is the person we go to objective. After all, they are our friend or family member and they care about us so much that they may not be objective.

· It is important to create appropriate division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. In the current day and age often there are two wage earners in the home. When Mom stays at home with the kids, she can be just as, if not more exhausted than Dad.

· In a Marriage, there is no place for close “personal “friends of the opposite sex. This can create significant problems in a relationship. Affairs often develop out of situations where a person goes to their friend because “they are not being understood” at home. When the “friend” steps in and fills that role it is fertile ground for an affair to develop. You may say that you are not that kind of person to let that happen. As Marriage Counselors, we hear those very words from many couples who come to us to try to heal from adultery. Be wise and make your spouse your only close friend of the opposite sex.

One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).

Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Marriage Counseling - Affair Proofing Your Marriage

We read about it all the time. It is on the evening news and tabloids. Famous people like Tiger Woods and Governor Mark Sanford, and not so famous people like your next door neighbor. Sometimes it seems like there is an epidemic of infidelity similar to the swine flu. It is ruining lives and marriages.

Can anything be done about it? Well, there is nothing you can do about other people’s marriages, but you can do something about your own.

The first thing you can do is put each other first after God. In our Marriage Counseling practice we hear story after story telling us how things were wonderful and then all of a sudden there was the admission of an affair. When you step back and look at the chronology it becomes apparent that it didn’t happen that way. Things were not as wonderful as one of the spouses thought. Marriages don’t go from Heaven to Hell overnight.

There are numerous outside influences in marriages and it is extremely important to protect your relationship from distractions and external attacks.

You can protect yourself and your relationship by making sure that you put your spouse first. When you marry that means that your “family” that you were born into or adopted into no longer is your first priority. This can be difficult but is necessary. You can also protect your relationship by making sure you do not continue close relationships with members of the opposite sex. It can be very tempting to go to a friend to talk about marital problems and create a bond of understanding that can often lead into an affair. You think not? We see it all the time.

You can protect your marriage by being sensitive to meeting your spouse’s needs.

It all starts with communication and having each of your needs met. Your spouse can’t meet your needs if they don’t know your needs. They can’t know your needs if you don’t tell them. They can’t understand the needs you have told them about if they do not listen…….really listen.

Your spouse will be more interested in meeting your needs when you have a similar interest in meeting their needs.

A great way to “affair proof” your marriage is to engage in regular emotionally connecting conversation. This will allow you to keep current. Share all of your emotions whether they are mad, sad, glad, or scared.

If you are in a situation where your spouse’s behavior or words are causing you pain, it is important to talk it through in order to keep your relationship from becoming a time bomb. A Marriage full of praise, affirmation and appreciation is far more likely to flourish rather than one filled with control, criticism and complaints.

Be a blessing to one another and have a blessed marriage.

Seek Help for Your Marriage – Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling

Charlotte, NC (January 19, 2010) – With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Since most couples aren’t able to attend a Marriage Intensive in their own city, or even in their own state, 95% of our couples fly or drive to us from all over the country. We are located 10 minutes south of Charlotte, NC. We are a convenient 35 minutes from the Charlotte-Douglas International Airport.

Marriage Counseling Statement of Faith:

  • § We believe that the Holy Bible is the inerrant Word of God.
  • § We believe in the Holy Trinity of God; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
  • § We believe that Jesus was born of the Virgin Mary. He was and is the only one to ever live a sinless life.
  • § We believe that we are saved by Grace through Faith in Jesus Christ and His death, burial, and physical resurrection.
  • § We believe that the Blood of Jesus Christ shed on Calvary was and is sufficient to forgive man of all his sins.
  • § We believe in the physical and visible return of Jesus Christ to the earth.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Monday, January 11, 2010

Marriage Counseling - De-Stressing Your Marriage

In our Marriage Counseling Practice clients tell us that their marriages are very stressed. We have discovered a number of common threads that lead to this stress.

Here are a few:

1. Lack of time. Too many commitments often caused by the inability to say no to a request.
2. Lack of money. With the economy causing job losses it is particularly a problem these days.
3. Lack of sleep. This can be very hard on our bodies, our minds, and our emotions.
4. Lack of organization usually leads to a chaotic home and schedule.
5. Lack or exercise. With little or no exercise our bodies and minds don’t function well.
6. No recreation. No fun in our lives.
7. Too many outside activities for the children. This is stressful on both the parents and the kids.

Here are some antidotes for a stress filled life:

1. Prayer. God provides a place of Rest and Peace for us when we seek Him.
2. Money management. If you need help budgeting there are those who can help.
3. Don’t put things down, put them away. A messy house leads to stress.
4. Do a “Daily Plan” to organize your time and make sure you are not over committed.
5. Just say no to requests that are more than you can handle in a healthy way.
6. Get plenty or rest and exercise.
7. Mark out at least one day each week for fun, relaxation, and recreation.
8. Limit children’s outside activities.
9. Laughter. The Bible says that laughter restores the soul.

We can only handle so much stress before our personal health is affected. Likewise our relationships can only handle so much stress before they are negatively affected.

Most couples can make these changes on their own. But, if your marriage has already moved into a heavily stressed relationship, you may need outside help. Often folks turn to Marriage Counseling for help from an expert.

There is hope that you can relieve the stress in your Marriage.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

Visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Marriage Counseling - How can I tell if my spouse is having an affair?

Below are lists of things that your spouse may say or do if they are having an affair. Even if they say and do all of these things on the list, it doesn’t guarantee they are having an affair. It does however mean that the two of you should sit down and have an open and honest conversation.

Things that unfaithful Spouse’s often say:
1. I’m just not in love with you anymore.
2. I don’t know that I have ever been in love with you.
3. I need my space and privacy, maybe we should think about a separation.
4. I need to find myself.
5. I’m confused about my feelings.
6. Right now I don’t feel I can be in a relationship with anyone.
7. I just need to get to know myself.

Things that unfaithful spouse’s often do.
1. Stay out late.
2. Don’t want to answer where they have been or who they have been with.
3. Act secretive with cell phone and computer. (Password Protected)
4. Suddenly stopped going to Church.
5. Withdrawn and moody (private).
6. Get angry easily.
7. Don’t show as much interest in the kids
8. Change in Sexual interest ( Not interested in sex anymore)
9. Unaccounted for withdrawal of money from your accounts.
10. Sudden out of town trips.

While these signs may indicate potential problems, it is very important to talk about what you are noticing. Any of the items on the two above lists can make a marriage vulnerable for an affair even if one has not yet started.

Your spouse may be withdrawing for reasons other than an affair. Having an open an honest discussion can be the start of the road back to closeness.

If talking with your spouse does not start to repair the distance between the two of you, then Marriage Counseling might be indicated.

Even if there is an admission of adultery there is hope. Eighty-five percent of the couples that come to us have experience adultery. Ninety percent of those couples walk away committed to their marriages.

A marriage can not only survive and affair, but it can become even stronger. Not because of the affair, but because of the work the couple does to create a newer and stronger marriage.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

Visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Marriage Counseling: Keeping Your Marriage Business Private

With almost 30 years of Marriage Counseling experience we have discovered that it is critical to keep your marriage business private. This is true when things are going well and also when things are not going so well. It is particularly important if your marriage or family is in crisis.
This does not mean that you should have to handle the hurt and pain all by yourself. When you are in pain it is important to have someone to talk with. That person should not be a friend or a family member.
It may seem like they would be the best person to share with, but that is not so.
Why?
1. It hurts trust between you and your spouse. You spouse may feel embarrassed when you share your relationship difficulties with family or friends. It is very disrespectful. Would you want your flaws exposed to others outside the privacy of marriage?

2. Often, when we go to others asking for prayer, we are actually using this as an opportunity to gossip about our mate and line up support for our side of the conflict. If we air our dirty linen and later you and your spouse have “made up” the person you shared with may still have negative feelings about your spouse.

3. When we get advice from family or friends we may get “one sided” advice. They most likely will not be impartial. They may care more about you than the truth. When you share your “version” of the truth, it may not be accurate. In all of our years of Marriage Counseling, we have rarely seen a situation where both spouses did not have some of the responsibility.

4. What kind of axe to grind does your confidant have? Since half of all marriages end in divorce, it is likely that the person you are seeking help from may have hurts or prejudices that affect their advice. A classic example would be getting marriage advice from a divorced friend who is angry at their ex spouse.


Of course it is important to get help when you need it. We recommend that you choose the appropriate marriage counselor to get the help from. If you and you mate cannot calmly talk out the situation, then seek guidance from your Pastor or a qualified Marriage Counselor. Don’t make the mistake of making a bad situation worse.

Visit us at www.marriagerescue.org for additional information and support.