There is a limit on how close a couple can be to each other if they are not also close to God. Not only individually close to God, but close as a couple as well.
In our Marriage Counseling practice most of the couples who come to us want a deeper spiritual life together. How does a couple get closer to God?
The first thing to do is plan/prepare. Sit down as a couple to talk about the things that have made you feel close to God in the past or that you think would make you close to God in the present. Make two lists. It would be common for each spouse to have different ideas. Since this article is about getting closer to God as a couple, look at the two lists to see if there is anything you could do together.
Set yourselves up for success. See if there is an item that both of you have on your lists (for instance prayer). Talk about how you both like to pray, when to pray, and where to pray. The goal is to come into agreement on how you would like to go about praying as a couple. There is an old saying that couples that pray together stay together.
Getting started is the easy part. The more difficult part is to be consistent with your new goal. Let’s look at some things that would help. You can start with setting a specific time each day. If setting a time each day is too rigid a couple might try setting a sequence, i.e. breakfast, dress, make bed, prayer. Also a couple might arrange accountability with another couple who would like to also improve their spiritual life together.
Once you have started your new goals and practiced them for a period of time, perhaps 30 days, it will become second nature to you and it will require much less effort to sustain.
The strongest thing that you can then do as a couple is to turn outward to help other people. Volunteer at church, help out at a shelter or soup kitchen, or visit a sick friend. If your schedule is too busy to help others, then you are too busy. Purposely helping others will be a life changing experience.
Taking turns reading aloud from a book that helps you get closer to God is very effective. When you read aloud you both experience the words at the same time and can have very meaningful discussions on the content.
Praying for each other is an excellent tool and life changing experience. We recommend buying and using Stormy Ormartian’s Power of a Praying Husband and Power of a Prating Wife as great tools for those who are not experience at praying for each other.
Nothing is more important and effective than reading the Bible. My wife and I read the same Chapter at the same time. We highlight the verses that are the most meaningful to us and then discuss together.
In our Christian Marriage Counseling practice we see that couples that are close to God heal the fastest even if they come to us in crisis. We also see that those couples who have not been close to God and close to each other before they came, but make the decision to change have great success in healing their hurts and regaining a true “closeness”.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Having Trouble Making Decisions Together? Here is Help!
In our Marriage Counseling practice, we are often asked about situations where couples have a difficult time making decisions. Each spouse is vested in getting their own way. So how should a couple make decisions?
Step One:
The first thing to do is to notice that you are not in agreement in the very early stages of your discussion. The reason we say “notice you are not in agreement” is because most couples bypass the disagreement and go straight to conflict. When you take time to notice that you are not in agreement, you have the best opportunity to go into healthy communication about the disagreement.
Step Two:
After noticing, the next step is for someone to say “well honey, it looks like we are not in agreement. Let’s brainstorm about it and see if we can make some progress”.
Step Three:
Brainstorming. Few people know how to brainstorm well. They make comments, criticisms and judgments about the other person’s ideas. In effective brainstorming there are no dumb ideas. Each spouse goes back and forth giving one idea at a time. The listening spouse does not give any feedback except saying the work “OK”. Then the other spouse gives an idea. The listening spouse does not give any feedback including whether they thought it was a good idea or not. The couple brainstorms until there are no more ideas left from either of them.
After all ideas have been shared the couple ask your spouse if they feel any agreement with any of the ideas. If they have, you can stop there and end the decision making process. If agreement has not been reached you go to the next step.
Step Four:
If agreement has not been reached it is time to pray together for guidance. Although prayer should always be our first step in any decision, we want you to be able to have your ideas laid out in front of the Lord. If you pray first you will only have your two opposing positions to lay before the lord. Take time to listen to what the Lord is saying. This is usually not an audible voice or thought that comes to you mind. The key is to see which idea brings the most peace.
Step Five:
If an agreement still has not been reached the final decision should rest upon the husband-as God has appointed him to be the spiritual leader of the home. This is not a license for the husband to make all decisions. There is a heavy burden and responsibility on the husband if he makes the decision on his own. In the position of Servant Leader in the marriage the husband should regard his wife’s preferences as often as possible. The Bible tells us to put the other first. In Ephesians 5:33 the Bible says that husbands are to unconditionally love their wives and wives are to unconditionally respect their husbands. When this relationship is in place disagreements will rarely if ever lead into conflict.
When couples utilize the above mentioned plan for decision making they can avoid many conflicts.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Step One:
The first thing to do is to notice that you are not in agreement in the very early stages of your discussion. The reason we say “notice you are not in agreement” is because most couples bypass the disagreement and go straight to conflict. When you take time to notice that you are not in agreement, you have the best opportunity to go into healthy communication about the disagreement.
Step Two:
After noticing, the next step is for someone to say “well honey, it looks like we are not in agreement. Let’s brainstorm about it and see if we can make some progress”.
Step Three:
Brainstorming. Few people know how to brainstorm well. They make comments, criticisms and judgments about the other person’s ideas. In effective brainstorming there are no dumb ideas. Each spouse goes back and forth giving one idea at a time. The listening spouse does not give any feedback except saying the work “OK”. Then the other spouse gives an idea. The listening spouse does not give any feedback including whether they thought it was a good idea or not. The couple brainstorms until there are no more ideas left from either of them.
After all ideas have been shared the couple ask your spouse if they feel any agreement with any of the ideas. If they have, you can stop there and end the decision making process. If agreement has not been reached you go to the next step.
Step Four:
If agreement has not been reached it is time to pray together for guidance. Although prayer should always be our first step in any decision, we want you to be able to have your ideas laid out in front of the Lord. If you pray first you will only have your two opposing positions to lay before the lord. Take time to listen to what the Lord is saying. This is usually not an audible voice or thought that comes to you mind. The key is to see which idea brings the most peace.
Step Five:
If an agreement still has not been reached the final decision should rest upon the husband-as God has appointed him to be the spiritual leader of the home. This is not a license for the husband to make all decisions. There is a heavy burden and responsibility on the husband if he makes the decision on his own. In the position of Servant Leader in the marriage the husband should regard his wife’s preferences as often as possible. The Bible tells us to put the other first. In Ephesians 5:33 the Bible says that husbands are to unconditionally love their wives and wives are to unconditionally respect their husbands. When this relationship is in place disagreements will rarely if ever lead into conflict.
When couples utilize the above mentioned plan for decision making they can avoid many conflicts.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Marriage Counseling - How Chaos is a Drain on Marriage
Let’s face it. Usually one spouse is naturally neater than the other. While it seems like a small thing, this can turn into a much larger issue over time when it keeps adding up. Resentment can increase over repeated requests to keep the house neat.
Bills can fall through the cracks. Precious items can get lost. Appointments can be missed. Clutter drains the life out of a home. A messy house can even decrease a wife’s libido.
While the two of you may never have the same idea about what the standards should be for an uncluttered home, you should be able to agree to de-stress the marriage by eliminating clutter. Not because it will now be neat, but because your spouse will feel so much better emotionally.
One of the best ways to prevent reoccurring clutter is to put things away, not down. This prevents the necessity of having to have one spouse pick up after the other. It also means the availability of more together time since you won’t need to spend time picking up a mess.
It is a great tool to get your kids involved as well. There is no need for anyone to leave shoes, socks, dirty dishes, dirty clothes or anything else for someone else to have to pick up.
The key is to make sure there is a place for everything. Then everything can be put in its place.
If you don’t currently have a home for each item, then create a home for it. This may mean that there is not room for everything you own. It also may mean it is a good time to Clean Sweep the home. If you have things lying around that you have not used for a year or more, then do you really need it? Maybe it could be given to someone who has a need for what you obviously are not using.
In order to get the ball rolling, decide that the fun evening activities won’t begin until everything is put away.
No one is exempt. Not Mom, Dad, or the kids. Once you start putting everything away you fill feel less stress. Chaos will diminish and there will be more peace in the home.
In our Marriage Counseling practice this issue arises often. It is amazing how big a deal this can become. It is a sign of disrespect to the one who has to pick up after the other. Marriages do not sustain well when respect is absent.
Love is not just a noun, it is a verb. We can show our spouse how much we love them by making our home a place of peace, free of tension, and conducive to harmony.
Bills can fall through the cracks. Precious items can get lost. Appointments can be missed. Clutter drains the life out of a home. A messy house can even decrease a wife’s libido.
While the two of you may never have the same idea about what the standards should be for an uncluttered home, you should be able to agree to de-stress the marriage by eliminating clutter. Not because it will now be neat, but because your spouse will feel so much better emotionally.
One of the best ways to prevent reoccurring clutter is to put things away, not down. This prevents the necessity of having to have one spouse pick up after the other. It also means the availability of more together time since you won’t need to spend time picking up a mess.
It is a great tool to get your kids involved as well. There is no need for anyone to leave shoes, socks, dirty dishes, dirty clothes or anything else for someone else to have to pick up.
The key is to make sure there is a place for everything. Then everything can be put in its place.
If you don’t currently have a home for each item, then create a home for it. This may mean that there is not room for everything you own. It also may mean it is a good time to Clean Sweep the home. If you have things lying around that you have not used for a year or more, then do you really need it? Maybe it could be given to someone who has a need for what you obviously are not using.
In order to get the ball rolling, decide that the fun evening activities won’t begin until everything is put away.
No one is exempt. Not Mom, Dad, or the kids. Once you start putting everything away you fill feel less stress. Chaos will diminish and there will be more peace in the home.
In our Marriage Counseling practice this issue arises often. It is amazing how big a deal this can become. It is a sign of disrespect to the one who has to pick up after the other. Marriages do not sustain well when respect is absent.
Love is not just a noun, it is a verb. We can show our spouse how much we love them by making our home a place of peace, free of tension, and conducive to harmony.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The Two Main Types of Control in a Marriage
There are two main types of controlling behavior in a marriage relationship. There is aggressive control, which is outward and overt and then there is passive control which is more covert and hidden.
Let’s tackle the aggressive, active control first. What are the typical ways someone can actively try to control one’s spouse?
It can be either spouse that tries to control their spouse. The root cause underneath the control is fear and insecurity. The controlling person believes that if they can control others their world will be more ok. Unfortunately it does not work out that way. The net result is distance, distrust and killing feelings of love.
When Michael and Susan came into our office, Susan presented as a meek and mild mannered woman. She said that Michael was a bully and that she was afraid of him. We spent some time with Michael individually as well, and he did not have much to say about himself or Susan. He was pretty shut down. When we worked with them as a couple we saw the dynamic between the two of them in action. Michael was obviously walking on egg shells, trying not to upset Susan. He was very careful to not say anything that would upset her.
Soon Susan’s façade as the meek and mild mannered spouse crumbled away as she showed her true colors by using anger to control Michael.
We work with a lot of couples in our Marriage Counseling practice where one spouse uses anger in an attempt to control the other. This is not the main problem in their recovery. The main problem is when the angry spouse does not own that they have an anger problem. When we gently confronted Susan about her Anger problem she became highly defensive and blamed her anger on Michael’s behavior. According to Susan, she was merely reacting to Michael and was not taking responsibility for her choice to become angry.
Passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger.
Michael knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Susan up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments infuriated her. He knew that breaking promises pushed Susan’s hottest button. Most passive aggressive behavior is intentional, although a passive aggressive person can really come across as the “nice guy”.
The more passive Michael would be, the more aggressive Susan would become. It was a lose-lose situation. How can this cycle of controlling behavior be broken? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouse to see and acknowledge their behaviors. Although it is the truth that set’s us free, it is the truth about ourselves not the truth in general.
After Susan and Michael each saw their own behaviors in this light, they were ready for the next step.
The next step was for each of them to come up with baby steps that would eliminate their individual controlling behaviors.
Susan set a goal to give herself a timeout when she first started feeling angry. She also started jogging which helped her release a lot of the stress in her life.
Michael started journaling his feelings. This was a safe way for Michael to start feeling his feelings and expressing his feelings. He shared a lot of his journal with Susan. Michael learned how to confront Susan when she tried to control him with her anger by speaking up and saying “I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way”.
There are many steps that couples can take in learning how to stop trying to control each other. We have shown just a couple ideas about how to stop the unhealthy pattern and bring the two of you closer.
If you need more help, we recommend getting into effective Marriage Counseling which can help you regain the closeness you once had.
If you are interested in finding out more about our Marriage Counseling practice, you can find us on the web at www.MarriageRescue.org
Let’s tackle the aggressive, active control first. What are the typical ways someone can actively try to control one’s spouse?
It can be either spouse that tries to control their spouse. The root cause underneath the control is fear and insecurity. The controlling person believes that if they can control others their world will be more ok. Unfortunately it does not work out that way. The net result is distance, distrust and killing feelings of love.
When Michael and Susan came into our office, Susan presented as a meek and mild mannered woman. She said that Michael was a bully and that she was afraid of him. We spent some time with Michael individually as well, and he did not have much to say about himself or Susan. He was pretty shut down. When we worked with them as a couple we saw the dynamic between the two of them in action. Michael was obviously walking on egg shells, trying not to upset Susan. He was very careful to not say anything that would upset her.
Soon Susan’s façade as the meek and mild mannered spouse crumbled away as she showed her true colors by using anger to control Michael.
We work with a lot of couples in our Marriage Counseling practice where one spouse uses anger in an attempt to control the other. This is not the main problem in their recovery. The main problem is when the angry spouse does not own that they have an anger problem. When we gently confronted Susan about her Anger problem she became highly defensive and blamed her anger on Michael’s behavior. According to Susan, she was merely reacting to Michael and was not taking responsibility for her choice to become angry.
Passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger.
Michael knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Susan up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments infuriated her. He knew that breaking promises pushed Susan’s hottest button. Most passive aggressive behavior is intentional, although a passive aggressive person can really come across as the “nice guy”.
The more passive Michael would be, the more aggressive Susan would become. It was a lose-lose situation. How can this cycle of controlling behavior be broken? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouse to see and acknowledge their behaviors. Although it is the truth that set’s us free, it is the truth about ourselves not the truth in general.
After Susan and Michael each saw their own behaviors in this light, they were ready for the next step.
The next step was for each of them to come up with baby steps that would eliminate their individual controlling behaviors.
Susan set a goal to give herself a timeout when she first started feeling angry. She also started jogging which helped her release a lot of the stress in her life.
Michael started journaling his feelings. This was a safe way for Michael to start feeling his feelings and expressing his feelings. He shared a lot of his journal with Susan. Michael learned how to confront Susan when she tried to control him with her anger by speaking up and saying “I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way”.
There are many steps that couples can take in learning how to stop trying to control each other. We have shown just a couple ideas about how to stop the unhealthy pattern and bring the two of you closer.
If you need more help, we recommend getting into effective Marriage Counseling which can help you regain the closeness you once had.
If you are interested in finding out more about our Marriage Counseling practice, you can find us on the web at www.MarriageRescue.org
Thursday, January 28, 2010
4 Reasons Why Couples Seek Marriage Counseling
In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we see couples for a variety of reasons. The list above includes most of the complaints we hear about.
The number one reason that couples seek Marriage Counseling is Infidelity. Whether it is a onetime affair, chronic affairs, or sexual addiction, infidelity is running rampant across our country. Infidelity does not discriminate. Men do it, women do it, the wealthy do it, and the poor do it. One thing that is true in all cases of infidelity is the utter devastation and wreckage it does to a marriage. It is the ultimate in betrayal.
The good news is that Marriage can survive infidelity. Not only can marriages survive infidelity, but the marriage can become stronger than it has ever been. Not because of the affair, but because of the work couples do to restore love and rebuild trust.
Another problem that brings couples to Marriage Counseling is Conflicts and Arguing. Often time the conflict and arguments revolve around the same old subjects that have never been resolved. The repetitive nature of the same old topics again and again can strain and drain any relationship.
The time to discuss these recurring issues is not during conflict. When things are calm between the two of you it is the time to kindly and calmly work toward resolve. Many couples need the help of a Marriage Counselor to accomplish this.
The next problem is Communication. When are we ever taught how to communicate with each other? We don’t learn it in high school or college, and our parents probably did not teach it to us either. When we aren’t taught how to be good listeners and speakers, communication is bound to be rough. Both people wind up feeling misunderstood, and as a result of feeling misunderstood they feel unloved. One of the most frequent areas of communication problems is money. In most cases neither spouse has sat down and expressed their expectations. Typically a “saver” marries a “spender”, so unless couples carve out the time to get into agreement about how money is spent and saved it can become a large, complicated issue.
A fourth problem that brings couples into marriage counseling is Blended Families. These days there is a very high percentage of families that are the result of second, third or more marriages. This can involve children from two or more families. The result can be “my kids” and “your kids” rather than our kids. The birth parent and the step parent often have very different ideas about how to raise and discipline children. Conflict ensues and the whole house lives in tension.
All of these issues are important enough to seek help from a qualified Marriage Counselor.
Please keep an eye out for our upcoming article on two more very important reasons why couples seek marriage counseling. Trust and Control.
About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
The number one reason that couples seek Marriage Counseling is Infidelity. Whether it is a onetime affair, chronic affairs, or sexual addiction, infidelity is running rampant across our country. Infidelity does not discriminate. Men do it, women do it, the wealthy do it, and the poor do it. One thing that is true in all cases of infidelity is the utter devastation and wreckage it does to a marriage. It is the ultimate in betrayal.
The good news is that Marriage can survive infidelity. Not only can marriages survive infidelity, but the marriage can become stronger than it has ever been. Not because of the affair, but because of the work couples do to restore love and rebuild trust.
Another problem that brings couples to Marriage Counseling is Conflicts and Arguing. Often time the conflict and arguments revolve around the same old subjects that have never been resolved. The repetitive nature of the same old topics again and again can strain and drain any relationship.
The time to discuss these recurring issues is not during conflict. When things are calm between the two of you it is the time to kindly and calmly work toward resolve. Many couples need the help of a Marriage Counselor to accomplish this.
The next problem is Communication. When are we ever taught how to communicate with each other? We don’t learn it in high school or college, and our parents probably did not teach it to us either. When we aren’t taught how to be good listeners and speakers, communication is bound to be rough. Both people wind up feeling misunderstood, and as a result of feeling misunderstood they feel unloved. One of the most frequent areas of communication problems is money. In most cases neither spouse has sat down and expressed their expectations. Typically a “saver” marries a “spender”, so unless couples carve out the time to get into agreement about how money is spent and saved it can become a large, complicated issue.
A fourth problem that brings couples into marriage counseling is Blended Families. These days there is a very high percentage of families that are the result of second, third or more marriages. This can involve children from two or more families. The result can be “my kids” and “your kids” rather than our kids. The birth parent and the step parent often have very different ideas about how to raise and discipline children. Conflict ensues and the whole house lives in tension.
All of these issues are important enough to seek help from a qualified Marriage Counselor.
Please keep an eye out for our upcoming article on two more very important reasons why couples seek marriage counseling. Trust and Control.
About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Monday, January 25, 2010
Marriage Counseling - How to be the Spiritual Leader in your home
In Christian homes when the husband does not assume his Spiritual Leader role a vacuum forms and often the wife is forced into being the leader. This is uncomfortable for the wife since God did not give her that responsibility. It can create a great deal of resentment in both the wife and also the husband who can interpret this as “control”.
When the wife is forced into filling this role it can often lead to being the leader in many other ways. Now there is real danger of inappropriate balance of control in the home.
In our Marriage Counseling practice we see this situation often. We are presented with couples that are not filling the roles that they were designed to fill. When we speak with the wife who is perceived as controlling by her husband, she often tells us that she would give anything to “get off the throne” and follow her husband, but he just won’t lead.
What can she do? What can he do? The first step is to understand who God has called us to be. God has called the husband to be the “servant leader” in the home, even going so far as to lay down his life for his wife and family as Christ laid down His life for the Church. We see many husbands who would step in front of a bus for their wives but neglect to protect their wives in the day to day business of life.
There may be a number of reasons why he is not “stepping up to the plate” as leader. Oftentimes we see passive men marry more outgoing and active women. The man’s passivity becomes a serious problem in these relationships. He stays in his comfort zone, not realizing or caring what this is doing to the relationship. In this case, it is important for the wife to step aside and not lead; even if things fall through the cracks. The husband cannot fill a role that is already filled. He cannot lead if she is leading. It may seem very scary, but it is absolutely necessary to let him fill the role.
It may also be that she has always felt like she is the one who should be in control, thinking her husband as incapable of leading. It is particularly important for her to turn over the reins to her husband.
Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with the wife. Some men are just so passive that it would never dawn on them to be the leader. In this case it may require counseling from your Pastor or Marriage Counseling from a Christian Marriage Counselor.
So, what should the husband do? After realizing and understanding that this is his God given role, he will need to confront the fear of operating in the unknown. His job is to make sure that he understands who is in Christ. There are many good books written on this subject. God gives us the Grace to do what He calls us to do, so the husband is able to lead.
There are practical things that a Spiritual Leader does. He makes sure that he has his own personal time with God on a daily basis. That he “talks” with God on a regular basis. This includes more than just speaking to God (what we normally call praying) but listening as well. He himself needs to be strengthened before he can successfully lead others.
He is responsible for making sure he and his wife spend joint time with God. This can include Bible Study, prayer, attending a Church that fulfills both of them and making sure the whole family is included if there are children in the home.
He is also responsible for protecting the home from any outside bad influences or spiritual attacks.
He can also see that he and his wife become active in a small group at their Church. This will help surround the couple with fellow believers who are like minded and are there for each other.
This may seem like a big job, but God never gives us a job too big for us to handle.
We pray that your marriage fulfills God’s calling and that both you and your Spouse search out what God has in store for you. If you both are close to God, you will be close to each other.
About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
When the wife is forced into filling this role it can often lead to being the leader in many other ways. Now there is real danger of inappropriate balance of control in the home.
In our Marriage Counseling practice we see this situation often. We are presented with couples that are not filling the roles that they were designed to fill. When we speak with the wife who is perceived as controlling by her husband, she often tells us that she would give anything to “get off the throne” and follow her husband, but he just won’t lead.
What can she do? What can he do? The first step is to understand who God has called us to be. God has called the husband to be the “servant leader” in the home, even going so far as to lay down his life for his wife and family as Christ laid down His life for the Church. We see many husbands who would step in front of a bus for their wives but neglect to protect their wives in the day to day business of life.
There may be a number of reasons why he is not “stepping up to the plate” as leader. Oftentimes we see passive men marry more outgoing and active women. The man’s passivity becomes a serious problem in these relationships. He stays in his comfort zone, not realizing or caring what this is doing to the relationship. In this case, it is important for the wife to step aside and not lead; even if things fall through the cracks. The husband cannot fill a role that is already filled. He cannot lead if she is leading. It may seem very scary, but it is absolutely necessary to let him fill the role.
It may also be that she has always felt like she is the one who should be in control, thinking her husband as incapable of leading. It is particularly important for her to turn over the reins to her husband.
Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with the wife. Some men are just so passive that it would never dawn on them to be the leader. In this case it may require counseling from your Pastor or Marriage Counseling from a Christian Marriage Counselor.
So, what should the husband do? After realizing and understanding that this is his God given role, he will need to confront the fear of operating in the unknown. His job is to make sure that he understands who is in Christ. There are many good books written on this subject. God gives us the Grace to do what He calls us to do, so the husband is able to lead.
There are practical things that a Spiritual Leader does. He makes sure that he has his own personal time with God on a daily basis. That he “talks” with God on a regular basis. This includes more than just speaking to God (what we normally call praying) but listening as well. He himself needs to be strengthened before he can successfully lead others.
He is responsible for making sure he and his wife spend joint time with God. This can include Bible Study, prayer, attending a Church that fulfills both of them and making sure the whole family is included if there are children in the home.
He is also responsible for protecting the home from any outside bad influences or spiritual attacks.
He can also see that he and his wife become active in a small group at their Church. This will help surround the couple with fellow believers who are like minded and are there for each other.
This may seem like a big job, but God never gives us a job too big for us to handle.
We pray that your marriage fulfills God’s calling and that both you and your Spouse search out what God has in store for you. If you both are close to God, you will be close to each other.
About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Marriage Counseling - Respect and Boundaries in Marriage
Many people think that boundaries are like a “keep out” fence that distance you from your spouse. In fact, appropriate boundaries bring you closer in Marriage. Respect is one of the foundational aspects of a close and healthy marriage. We all want and deserve respect. Below is a list of boundaries and ways to show your spouse respect. Employing these suggestions will have a very positive effect on your marriage.
· Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas! Otherwise secrets are very damaging to a marriage. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Secrets often are about money and relationships. We do not have to share things from our past that we have repented of and that do not affect your relationship today.
· Keep your mate’s flaws private. Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your family or friends. This is very disrespectful to your mate. The first person you should talk to is your spouse. Sit down and have an honest discussion about the problem. If your mate’s flaws become damaging to your relationship, seek out the help of your Pastor or a Counselor.
· On a similar note, keep your marriage problems private. Seek help from your Pastor or seek Marriage Counseling. Sometimes even reading a good book on the subject may help; especially if the two of you read it together. Sharing your problems with family or friends tends to polarize the situation. Rarely, even if we are sure about it, is the person we go to objective. After all, they are our friend or family member and they care about us so much that they may not be objective.
· It is important to create appropriate division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. In the current day and age often there are two wage earners in the home. When Mom stays at home with the kids, she can be just as, if not more exhausted than Dad.
· In a Marriage, there is no place for close “personal “friends of the opposite sex. This can create significant problems in a relationship. Affairs often develop out of situations where a person goes to their friend because “they are not being understood” at home. When the “friend” steps in and fills that role it is fertile ground for an affair to develop. You may say that you are not that kind of person to let that happen. As Marriage Counselors, we hear those very words from many couples who come to us to try to heal from adultery. Be wise and make your spouse your only close friend of the opposite sex.
One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).
Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.
About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
· Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas! Otherwise secrets are very damaging to a marriage. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Secrets often are about money and relationships. We do not have to share things from our past that we have repented of and that do not affect your relationship today.
· Keep your mate’s flaws private. Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your family or friends. This is very disrespectful to your mate. The first person you should talk to is your spouse. Sit down and have an honest discussion about the problem. If your mate’s flaws become damaging to your relationship, seek out the help of your Pastor or a Counselor.
· On a similar note, keep your marriage problems private. Seek help from your Pastor or seek Marriage Counseling. Sometimes even reading a good book on the subject may help; especially if the two of you read it together. Sharing your problems with family or friends tends to polarize the situation. Rarely, even if we are sure about it, is the person we go to objective. After all, they are our friend or family member and they care about us so much that they may not be objective.
· It is important to create appropriate division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. In the current day and age often there are two wage earners in the home. When Mom stays at home with the kids, she can be just as, if not more exhausted than Dad.
· In a Marriage, there is no place for close “personal “friends of the opposite sex. This can create significant problems in a relationship. Affairs often develop out of situations where a person goes to their friend because “they are not being understood” at home. When the “friend” steps in and fills that role it is fertile ground for an affair to develop. You may say that you are not that kind of person to let that happen. As Marriage Counselors, we hear those very words from many couples who come to us to try to heal from adultery. Be wise and make your spouse your only close friend of the opposite sex.
One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).
Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.
About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
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