When couples come to us for marriage counseling they have distressed feelings and distressed thoughts. Take a close look at this article to see how your thoughts and mind can be peaceful and calm.
When you begin to claim back the clarity of your thinking from the enemy, he will not want to give up the place that he has had. You will have to do battle with his lies and confusion.
Your first step is to declare, out loud, that you will not allow any outside force to do your thinking – no man and no spirit. There are spiritual laws that demons must obey. They cannot stay where a man wills them not to stay. Your power is in the Name of Jesus, the Blood of Jesus, and the Word of God. Ask God to give you discernment of the lies of the devil.
How often do we think about “what we are thinking about?” As you recognize a lie that comes to your mind, always defend yourself out loud. That means speaking to Satan and the evil forces out loud, binding them in the Name of Jesus and forbidding them to lie to you and to use your mind.
When you catch a lie that comes to your mind, use the prescription on the next page. You will regain peace, your memory, restful nights, and the ability to concentrate and comprehend.
You are in a battle for your mind. Satan chooses to attack our minds, because if he can control our thinking, he can control all of us.
You are not alone, for all of God’s people fight this same fight (Eph 6:12). Make up your mind not to give up. According to Col. 3:2 (Amplified Bible) “Set your mind on things above and keep it set”
As you begin this battle, it might seem worse than ever. The reason is that the demonic powers are fighting to keep their place in your mind (and in your thinking). Call upon God’s Grace in the Name of Jesus, and He will give you the power of the Holy Spirit to fully overcome every evil.
Remember, regaining your mind is a process. We all fail at one time or another. God knows our weaknesses. That is why He gave us 1 John 1:9. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ”Just ask for forgiveness, and see the Blood of Jesus washing away your sins. Don’t give up. Continue claiming what belongs to you (your mind and your thinking belong to you ), and Jesus will help you overcome.
II Tim. 1;7 says, “For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Christian Marriage Counseling: Feeling Follow Actions
When couples come to us for Marriage Counseling, often each spouse is overwhelmed by their own individual feelings. They have reached the point of desperation by the time they get to us and feelings have masked their thinking. Feelings can range from Anger to Fear.
The best way to stop painful feelings is to learn the “Feelings Follow Action” principle.
When we feel a negative emotion, we feel pretty powerless to do anything about it. We hope and pray that we will feel better – we expect the change in emotions to just “happen” to us, similar to how a cloud descends on someone.
We don’t “feel” like acting upbeat or cheerful. We’re sad, or upset, or anxious, etc. We can’t help what we feel. We feel like prisoners of our painful emotions. We want out, but are held hostage.
We can tell you a surefire way to change your feelings in less than an hour – but few people want to do it. When we are hurting – most folks just want to ‘stew’ in their emotional pot. Our negative feelings have sapped our energy.
When we are down, the last thing we want to do is to act happy. It’s fake, it’s phony, and we don’t really feel happy anyway. The truth is that if we take the ACTION of doing things that people do when they are happy – within about an hour, we will start feeling much happier. It’s hard to believe – but it’s the truth!
It seems too simple to actually work, doesn’t it?
All you need to try it for yourself is a list of behaviors you do when you are happy or in a good mood. Your list should be personalized to the things and ways you behave when you are cheerful and happy. Make sure to include doing loving things for other people. That is the greatest mood lifter of all. Even if you can only seek to bless your spouse – that’s OK.
Muster up the courage to try it, “Just this once”. Trying something once doesn’t usually overtax anyone. Tell yourself that this exercise won’t hurt you, and after an hour you can always go back to feeling the way you were feeling before.
Feelings really do follow actions!
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
The best way to stop painful feelings is to learn the “Feelings Follow Action” principle.
When we feel a negative emotion, we feel pretty powerless to do anything about it. We hope and pray that we will feel better – we expect the change in emotions to just “happen” to us, similar to how a cloud descends on someone.
We don’t “feel” like acting upbeat or cheerful. We’re sad, or upset, or anxious, etc. We can’t help what we feel. We feel like prisoners of our painful emotions. We want out, but are held hostage.
We can tell you a surefire way to change your feelings in less than an hour – but few people want to do it. When we are hurting – most folks just want to ‘stew’ in their emotional pot. Our negative feelings have sapped our energy.
When we are down, the last thing we want to do is to act happy. It’s fake, it’s phony, and we don’t really feel happy anyway. The truth is that if we take the ACTION of doing things that people do when they are happy – within about an hour, we will start feeling much happier. It’s hard to believe – but it’s the truth!
It seems too simple to actually work, doesn’t it?
All you need to try it for yourself is a list of behaviors you do when you are happy or in a good mood. Your list should be personalized to the things and ways you behave when you are cheerful and happy. Make sure to include doing loving things for other people. That is the greatest mood lifter of all. Even if you can only seek to bless your spouse – that’s OK.
Muster up the courage to try it, “Just this once”. Trying something once doesn’t usually overtax anyone. Tell yourself that this exercise won’t hurt you, and after an hour you can always go back to feeling the way you were feeling before.
Feelings really do follow actions!
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Christian Marriage Counseling: How to Win Back the One You Love
This article is intended for someone whose spouse is not interested in them or the relationship anymore. It is not meant for all marriages.
The following dynamic is common to mankind. It's even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse's interest.
Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.
Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the "Avoider- Pursuer" dynamic. When one person's position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.
When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening, anything to try to win back the departing spouse.
"I know deep down inside you still love me," she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or "What about all these years together? We have a history that shouldn't be thrown away," she tells him, hoping he will see the light. "I promise I'll change, I know it can work," he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.
Although these acts of desperation are understandable, unfortunately they have the paradoxical effect of actually increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.
Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate's whereabouts and activities.
If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy. This is hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.
The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It's not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.
Avoid:
Don't act down and depressed, don't be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.
If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.
Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don't get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.
If still living together:
1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (Actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.
When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.
The following dynamic is common to mankind. It's even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse's interest.
Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.
Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the "Avoider- Pursuer" dynamic. When one person's position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.
When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening, anything to try to win back the departing spouse.
"I know deep down inside you still love me," she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or "What about all these years together? We have a history that shouldn't be thrown away," she tells him, hoping he will see the light. "I promise I'll change, I know it can work," he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.
Although these acts of desperation are understandable, unfortunately they have the paradoxical effect of actually increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.
Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate's whereabouts and activities.
If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy. This is hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.
The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It's not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.
Avoid:
Don't act down and depressed, don't be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.
If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.
Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don't get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.
If still living together:
1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (Actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.
When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Power of Words
When couples come to our Marriage Counseling practice for a Marriage Intensive they come because they have hurt each other with actions and words. This article is dedicated to talking about words that hurt and words that heal.
First we have to realize that words contain power. When creating the world, God could have chosen many different ways to create it. He could have thought it into existence. He could have blinked His eyes. He could have wiggled His pinky. But, what did God use to create the world? Words.
There is a big connection between answered prayer and what we use our mouth for during all those times when we are not praying. It takes a lot of help from God, because no man can contain the tongue.
We talk a lot and every word contains power. Proverbs 18:21 “The power of life and death is in the tongue.”
Matt 12:36-37 “We are not to speak idle or useless words that have no power, because on judgment day we will give an account for every word.” Matt 12:34 “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”
Our mouth is a major part of our “love walk.” We don’t realize how much our words and our “love walk” are connected. With our words we can either build people up or tear people down. We won’t ever really become accountable for our words until we are convinced they are a reflection of our hearts. Jeremiah 17:9 says “the heart is deceitful above all else.”
We are to get rid of all evil speaking. James 1:26 “Taming our tongues is about self-control.” There are only 2 ways for us to make any progress with our mouths. We have to have a lot of help from God, and we have to keep growing in discipline and self-control. When you want to do something badly enough, you will do it.
We would much rather play the “blame game” than take responsibility. This started in the Garden and it has never stopped. We believe the lie, “It’s not my fault.”If you want your prayers answered, then get rid of all evil communication, all harsh, hard, unjust, unkind and wicked speaking.
You can’t control your mouth if you don’t first control your mind. What is in your mind comes out of your mouth. Our level of spiritual maturity can be easily and quickly judged by listening to our words. How mature in the Lord are you? Show me your tongue.
James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth come blessings and curses and this should not be. Get rid of the mixture—don’t try to bless and then curse too.”
What should we be saying? Be thankful and say so! Psalm 100:4 “…be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name.” Psalm 107:2 says “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so….we need to be thankful and say so.” People will say, “but I’ve got a thankful heart.” Well then, open your mouth! Tell people what you are thankful for and who you are thankful for.
Another thing we are to say are encouraging words. Don’t commit the sin of omission. “I didn’t say anything” is sometimes the problem. It’s not that we said the wrong thing, but we didn’t say the right thing either.
The next thing to say is the truth. Ephesians 4:15 “Let our lives lovingly express the truth.” “Speak the truth in love.”
Lastly, the thing we are to speak is the Word of God. Jeremiah 23:28-29 “Let the one who has God’s Word speak it faithfully because it is like a hammer that will break the hardest rock into pieces.” Just keep hitting your problems with the hammer of God’s Word until they break into pieces. Sometimes when you are hammering, you hit it over and over and it seems like nothing is happening, and then suddenly the next blow shatters the problem!
It all goes back to the mouth. The Bible says in James 3 that the tongue is a little member but it can cause huge problems. How many problems exist in the world that didn’t first start with someone’s words? Our mouth affects all of our relationships in a major way. A relationship can be destroyed or healed through the power of words. It doesn’t do any good to pray about your problem and then talk about how upset you are about it all the time. Don’t pray for your kids in the morning and then spend the rest of the day talking about how worried you are about them and how they are going to turn out. Remember, EVERY WORD we speak has power.
The Bible says we are not to murmur, grumble, fault find, and complain. There is a big difference between explaining and complaining. Explaining is necessary to communicate the reality of a problem or a situation. You can’t fix problems without an explanation first. Complaining is an attitude of the heart that says: “Why is this happening to me?” “I don’t trust God.” “This is not how I want things to be,” We need to look for the treasure in every trial. Most spiritual growth is during the hard times of life.
We are so blessed, but complaining is still one of our greatest challenges. In the Western world, we are spoiled rotten. We don’t want discomfort. We don’t want to wait for anything. We don’t like sacrifice and we fight against pain and hardships.
We need to follow Jesus’ example of how He handled words. When we are being tested, it’s not wise to be talking all the time or be careless with our words.
How would your relationships and life change if you would just stop saying anything negative? It is imperative that we “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” so we can represent Christ during difficult times.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
First we have to realize that words contain power. When creating the world, God could have chosen many different ways to create it. He could have thought it into existence. He could have blinked His eyes. He could have wiggled His pinky. But, what did God use to create the world? Words.
There is a big connection between answered prayer and what we use our mouth for during all those times when we are not praying. It takes a lot of help from God, because no man can contain the tongue.
We talk a lot and every word contains power. Proverbs 18:21 “The power of life and death is in the tongue.”
Matt 12:36-37 “We are not to speak idle or useless words that have no power, because on judgment day we will give an account for every word.” Matt 12:34 “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”
Our mouth is a major part of our “love walk.” We don’t realize how much our words and our “love walk” are connected. With our words we can either build people up or tear people down. We won’t ever really become accountable for our words until we are convinced they are a reflection of our hearts. Jeremiah 17:9 says “the heart is deceitful above all else.”
We are to get rid of all evil speaking. James 1:26 “Taming our tongues is about self-control.” There are only 2 ways for us to make any progress with our mouths. We have to have a lot of help from God, and we have to keep growing in discipline and self-control. When you want to do something badly enough, you will do it.
We would much rather play the “blame game” than take responsibility. This started in the Garden and it has never stopped. We believe the lie, “It’s not my fault.”If you want your prayers answered, then get rid of all evil communication, all harsh, hard, unjust, unkind and wicked speaking.
You can’t control your mouth if you don’t first control your mind. What is in your mind comes out of your mouth. Our level of spiritual maturity can be easily and quickly judged by listening to our words. How mature in the Lord are you? Show me your tongue.
James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth come blessings and curses and this should not be. Get rid of the mixture—don’t try to bless and then curse too.”
What should we be saying? Be thankful and say so! Psalm 100:4 “…be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name.” Psalm 107:2 says “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so….we need to be thankful and say so.” People will say, “but I’ve got a thankful heart.” Well then, open your mouth! Tell people what you are thankful for and who you are thankful for.
Another thing we are to say are encouraging words. Don’t commit the sin of omission. “I didn’t say anything” is sometimes the problem. It’s not that we said the wrong thing, but we didn’t say the right thing either.
The next thing to say is the truth. Ephesians 4:15 “Let our lives lovingly express the truth.” “Speak the truth in love.”
Lastly, the thing we are to speak is the Word of God. Jeremiah 23:28-29 “Let the one who has God’s Word speak it faithfully because it is like a hammer that will break the hardest rock into pieces.” Just keep hitting your problems with the hammer of God’s Word until they break into pieces. Sometimes when you are hammering, you hit it over and over and it seems like nothing is happening, and then suddenly the next blow shatters the problem!
It all goes back to the mouth. The Bible says in James 3 that the tongue is a little member but it can cause huge problems. How many problems exist in the world that didn’t first start with someone’s words? Our mouth affects all of our relationships in a major way. A relationship can be destroyed or healed through the power of words. It doesn’t do any good to pray about your problem and then talk about how upset you are about it all the time. Don’t pray for your kids in the morning and then spend the rest of the day talking about how worried you are about them and how they are going to turn out. Remember, EVERY WORD we speak has power.
The Bible says we are not to murmur, grumble, fault find, and complain. There is a big difference between explaining and complaining. Explaining is necessary to communicate the reality of a problem or a situation. You can’t fix problems without an explanation first. Complaining is an attitude of the heart that says: “Why is this happening to me?” “I don’t trust God.” “This is not how I want things to be,” We need to look for the treasure in every trial. Most spiritual growth is during the hard times of life.
We are so blessed, but complaining is still one of our greatest challenges. In the Western world, we are spoiled rotten. We don’t want discomfort. We don’t want to wait for anything. We don’t like sacrifice and we fight against pain and hardships.
We need to follow Jesus’ example of how He handled words. When we are being tested, it’s not wise to be talking all the time or be careless with our words.
How would your relationships and life change if you would just stop saying anything negative? It is imperative that we “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” so we can represent Christ during difficult times.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Christian Marriage Counseling: Avoider Pursuer
In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we often hear how one spouse chases and begs the other with unhappy results.
The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.
Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.
Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.
When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.
“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?” We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.
Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.
Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.
If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.
The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.
Avoid:
Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.
If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.
Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.
If still living together:
1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.
When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.
Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.
Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.
When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.
“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?” We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.
Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.
Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.
If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.
The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.
Avoid:
Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.
If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.
Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.
If still living together:
1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.
When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Marriage Counseling: Financial Stress and Crisis
“How to mend your Marriage when the Bank is breaking”
Financial stress is overtaking many marriages today. It can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back when there are other issues in a marriage. Financial worries invite couples to play the “blame game”. No one is taking their own portion of responsibility, each just blames the other.
Whether it is a job loss, overspending, unexpected bills or a myriad of other challenges, this is a time to come together. It is not a time to point fingers. It is more important to plan together how to overcome the situation than to concentrate on whose fault it is.
There are times when both spouses share in the responsibility and times when one has had a greater influence in the degrading of financial stability. In either case, it is important for the two of you to be part of the solution.
In most marriages one of the spouses is a spender and one is a saver. This is quite typical. Often the reason for the differences is previous life experiences. But when you are already in financial crisis, it is imperative to join forces in order to get your feet back on the ground.
If it took a long time to get into the “financial mess” it may not be a quick turnaround. The time to achieve financial health will be shortened when you work together rather than focusing on the problem itself.
One of the things couples do is to hide from the total truth. It is important to lay out the entire financial situation. Starting with regular bills and obligations and working your way through the occasional expenditure. Also it is important to plan for the unexpected. The only way to be in charge of your finances is manage them rather than having them manage you.
Many couples find that by contacting their creditors they can make arrangements to pay off bills at a slower pace, or sometimes the creditors are willing to settle for a smaller amount.
There are many ways to move forward, but one that we like is to pay off the smaller bills first so that you can experience a sense of accomplishment. Like all of you financial decisions it is important to enthusiastically agree on your methodology.
There are only two ways to move from financial despair to financial security and it is best if you combine the two.
The first is to increase your income. Some people find their options limited and others have a variety of choices. In either case, you need to do whatever is available. It may be for each of you to work more than one job for a period of time.
If there are children in the home, it may require some creativity. One answer could be to do web based work. There are many options but it does require effort to find the right fit. When the economy heats up again, it will be easier to find additional employment.
The other method is to spend less. Decrease your spending wherever you can. For folks that have kids, it is important to look at what you are spending on their activities. We do not endorse regular multiple activities for each child. It takes away from family time and minimizes their ability to entertain themselves. We do not always do our children a favor by allowing them to participate in everything.
The most important ingredient is to make these decisions together.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Financial stress is overtaking many marriages today. It can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back when there are other issues in a marriage. Financial worries invite couples to play the “blame game”. No one is taking their own portion of responsibility, each just blames the other.
Whether it is a job loss, overspending, unexpected bills or a myriad of other challenges, this is a time to come together. It is not a time to point fingers. It is more important to plan together how to overcome the situation than to concentrate on whose fault it is.
There are times when both spouses share in the responsibility and times when one has had a greater influence in the degrading of financial stability. In either case, it is important for the two of you to be part of the solution.
In most marriages one of the spouses is a spender and one is a saver. This is quite typical. Often the reason for the differences is previous life experiences. But when you are already in financial crisis, it is imperative to join forces in order to get your feet back on the ground.
If it took a long time to get into the “financial mess” it may not be a quick turnaround. The time to achieve financial health will be shortened when you work together rather than focusing on the problem itself.
One of the things couples do is to hide from the total truth. It is important to lay out the entire financial situation. Starting with regular bills and obligations and working your way through the occasional expenditure. Also it is important to plan for the unexpected. The only way to be in charge of your finances is manage them rather than having them manage you.
Many couples find that by contacting their creditors they can make arrangements to pay off bills at a slower pace, or sometimes the creditors are willing to settle for a smaller amount.
There are many ways to move forward, but one that we like is to pay off the smaller bills first so that you can experience a sense of accomplishment. Like all of you financial decisions it is important to enthusiastically agree on your methodology.
There are only two ways to move from financial despair to financial security and it is best if you combine the two.
The first is to increase your income. Some people find their options limited and others have a variety of choices. In either case, you need to do whatever is available. It may be for each of you to work more than one job for a period of time.
If there are children in the home, it may require some creativity. One answer could be to do web based work. There are many options but it does require effort to find the right fit. When the economy heats up again, it will be easier to find additional employment.
The other method is to spend less. Decrease your spending wherever you can. For folks that have kids, it is important to look at what you are spending on their activities. We do not endorse regular multiple activities for each child. It takes away from family time and minimizes their ability to entertain themselves. We do not always do our children a favor by allowing them to participate in everything.
The most important ingredient is to make these decisions together.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Dealing with In-Laws
In our Marriage Counseling Practice we often see couples whose In-Laws are causing problems in the marriage. Whether it is too close, or not close enough, In-Laws can turn into Out-Laws very quickly.
The problems don’t always begin the same way. Sometimes there has been no “individuation” (becoming separate) on the part of the adult children. The Bible instructs couples to leave and cleave in order to become one flesh. This is not possible if the adult children do not separate in a healthy way from their parents. The parents may or may not be trying to hang on, but the results can be the same.
When adult children maintain a dependence on their parents after marriage, it interferes with the husband wife relationship. Even when it is disguised as asking for advice from a parent it can cause a division between the couple. If the wife looks to her father for help in making decisions, the husband can feel totally disrespected. He may feel that he (the husband) is not the primary male figure in the marriage.
Likewise if the husband is overly close with his mother the wife is unable to assume the role of nurturer and the number one woman in his life. This is especially true if the couple is living with the parents. This keeps them still in the role of a child.
When adult children receive money from their parents the help often comes with some sort of “strings” attached. This may be overt or covert. Maybe nothing is even said about it.
When parents disapprove of the “in-law “adult child, it puts their child in the middle between the parents and their spouse. The adult child’s allegiance should always be to their spouse; number one after the Lord.
A case in point would be when Mary’s parents are speaking disrespectfully about Mary’s husband Tom behind his back. Rather than defending Tom, Mary should explain to her parents that it’s not ok to talk about Tom that way. If Mary’s parents continue, Mary should walk away.
If Mary’s parents are disrespecting Tom in front of him Mary should get between her parents and Tom and boldly say, “If you continue talking about Tom this way, we will leave.”
It is important for couples to keep their “marriage business” private. They should not be discussing their marital issues with their parents, family or friends.
These discussions should be limited to their Pastor, Christian Counselor, or one trusted friend that both spouses’ agree on.
We recommend the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
As the Bible says in Genesis 2:24, therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Of course this applies for women as well.
In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we regularly see couples who need help restructuring the family dynamic in order to “leave and cleave”.
God’s Blessing on your marriage. Let it be healthy and happy.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
The problems don’t always begin the same way. Sometimes there has been no “individuation” (becoming separate) on the part of the adult children. The Bible instructs couples to leave and cleave in order to become one flesh. This is not possible if the adult children do not separate in a healthy way from their parents. The parents may or may not be trying to hang on, but the results can be the same.
When adult children maintain a dependence on their parents after marriage, it interferes with the husband wife relationship. Even when it is disguised as asking for advice from a parent it can cause a division between the couple. If the wife looks to her father for help in making decisions, the husband can feel totally disrespected. He may feel that he (the husband) is not the primary male figure in the marriage.
Likewise if the husband is overly close with his mother the wife is unable to assume the role of nurturer and the number one woman in his life. This is especially true if the couple is living with the parents. This keeps them still in the role of a child.
When adult children receive money from their parents the help often comes with some sort of “strings” attached. This may be overt or covert. Maybe nothing is even said about it.
When parents disapprove of the “in-law “adult child, it puts their child in the middle between the parents and their spouse. The adult child’s allegiance should always be to their spouse; number one after the Lord.
A case in point would be when Mary’s parents are speaking disrespectfully about Mary’s husband Tom behind his back. Rather than defending Tom, Mary should explain to her parents that it’s not ok to talk about Tom that way. If Mary’s parents continue, Mary should walk away.
If Mary’s parents are disrespecting Tom in front of him Mary should get between her parents and Tom and boldly say, “If you continue talking about Tom this way, we will leave.”
It is important for couples to keep their “marriage business” private. They should not be discussing their marital issues with their parents, family or friends.
These discussions should be limited to their Pastor, Christian Counselor, or one trusted friend that both spouses’ agree on.
We recommend the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
As the Bible says in Genesis 2:24, therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Of course this applies for women as well.
In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we regularly see couples who need help restructuring the family dynamic in order to “leave and cleave”.
God’s Blessing on your marriage. Let it be healthy and happy.
About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling
With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.
Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.
Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.
To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org
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