Christian Marriage Counseling: Avoider Pursuer

In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we often hear how one spouse chases and begs the other with unhappy results.

The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.

Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.

Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.

When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.

“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?” We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.

Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.

Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.

If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.

The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them. The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.


Avoid:
Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.

If separated:
1. Stop calling.
2. Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
3. Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
4. Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
5. Make appropriate social plans for yourself.


Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.


If still living together:

1. Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
2. Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
3. Make plans for yourself.
4. Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
5. Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
6. Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.


When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.


About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Marriage Counseling - Respect and Boundaries in Marriage

Many people think that boundaries are like a “keep out” fence that distance you from your spouse. In fact, appropriate boundaries bring you closer in Marriage. Respect is one of the foundational aspects of a close and healthy marriage. We all want and deserve respect. Below is a list of boundaries and ways to show your spouse respect. Employing these suggestions will have a very positive effect on your marriage.

· Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas! Otherwise secrets are very damaging to a marriage. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Secrets often are about money and relationships. We do not have to share things from our past that we have repented of and that do not affect your relationship today.

· Keep your mate’s flaws private. Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your family or friends. This is very disrespectful to your mate. The first person you should talk to is your spouse. Sit down and have an honest discussion about the problem. If your mate’s flaws become damaging to your relationship, seek out the help of your Pastor or a Counselor.

· On a similar note, keep your marriage problems private. Seek help from your Pastor or seek Marriage Counseling. Sometimes even reading a good book on the subject may help; especially if the two of you read it together. Sharing your problems with family or friends tends to polarize the situation. Rarely, even if we are sure about it, is the person we go to objective. After all, they are our friend or family member and they care about us so much that they may not be objective.

· It is important to create appropriate division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. In the current day and age often there are two wage earners in the home. When Mom stays at home with the kids, she can be just as, if not more exhausted than Dad.

· In a Marriage, there is no place for close “personal “friends of the opposite sex. This can create significant problems in a relationship. Affairs often develop out of situations where a person goes to their friend because “they are not being understood” at home. When the “friend” steps in and fills that role it is fertile ground for an affair to develop. You may say that you are not that kind of person to let that happen. As Marriage Counselors, we hear those very words from many couples who come to us to try to heal from adultery. Be wise and make your spouse your only close friend of the opposite sex.

One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).

Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs. Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Marriage Counseling - Affair Proofing Your Marriage

We read about it all the time. It is on the evening news and tabloids. Famous people like Tiger Woods and Governor Mark Sanford, and not so famous people like your next door neighbor. Sometimes it seems like there is an epidemic of infidelity similar to the swine flu. It is ruining lives and marriages.

Can anything be done about it? Well, there is nothing you can do about other people’s marriages, but you can do something about your own.

The first thing you can do is put each other first after God. In our Marriage Counseling practice we hear story after story telling us how things were wonderful and then all of a sudden there was the admission of an affair. When you step back and look at the chronology it becomes apparent that it didn’t happen that way. Things were not as wonderful as one of the spouses thought. Marriages don’t go from Heaven to Hell overnight.

There are numerous outside influences in marriages and it is extremely important to protect your relationship from distractions and external attacks.

You can protect yourself and your relationship by making sure that you put your spouse first. When you marry that means that your “family” that you were born into or adopted into no longer is your first priority. This can be difficult but is necessary. You can also protect your relationship by making sure you do not continue close relationships with members of the opposite sex. It can be very tempting to go to a friend to talk about marital problems and create a bond of understanding that can often lead into an affair. You think not? We see it all the time.

You can protect your marriage by being sensitive to meeting your spouse’s needs.

It all starts with communication and having each of your needs met. Your spouse can’t meet your needs if they don’t know your needs. They can’t know your needs if you don’t tell them. They can’t understand the needs you have told them about if they do not listen…….really listen.

Your spouse will be more interested in meeting your needs when you have a similar interest in meeting their needs.

A great way to “affair proof” your marriage is to engage in regular emotionally connecting conversation. This will allow you to keep current. Share all of your emotions whether they are mad, sad, glad, or scared.

If you are in a situation where your spouse’s behavior or words are causing you pain, it is important to talk it through in order to keep your relationship from becoming a time bomb. A Marriage full of praise, affirmation and appreciation is far more likely to flourish rather than one filled with control, criticism and complaints.

Be a blessing to one another and have a blessed marriage.

Marriage Counseling - How can I tell if my spouse is having an affair?

Below are lists of things that your spouse may say or do if they are having an affair. Even if they say and do all of these things on the list, it doesn’t guarantee they are having an affair. It does however mean that the two of you should sit down and have an open and honest conversation.

Things that unfaithful Spouse’s often say:
1. I’m just not in love with you anymore.
2. I don’t know that I have ever been in love with you.
3. I need my space and privacy, maybe we should think about a separation.
4. I need to find myself.
5. I’m confused about my feelings.
6. Right now I don’t feel I can be in a relationship with anyone.
7. I just need to get to know myself.

Things that unfaithful spouse’s often do.
1. Stay out late.
2. Don’t want to answer where they have been or who they have been with.
3. Act secretive with cell phone and computer. (Password Protected)
4. Suddenly stopped going to Church.
5. Withdrawn and moody (private).
6. Get angry easily.
7. Don’t show as much interest in the kids
8. Change in Sexual interest ( Not interested in sex anymore)
9. Unaccounted for withdrawal of money from your accounts.
10. Sudden out of town trips.

While these signs may indicate potential problems, it is very important to talk about what you are noticing. Any of the items on the two above lists can make a marriage vulnerable for an affair even if one has not yet started.

Your spouse may be withdrawing for reasons other than an affair. Having an open an honest discussion can be the start of the road back to closeness.

If talking with your spouse does not start to repair the distance between the two of you, then Marriage Counseling might be indicated.

Even if there is an admission of adultery there is hope. Eighty-five percent of the couples that come to us have experience adultery. Ninety percent of those couples walk away committed to their marriages.

A marriage can not only survive and affair, but it can become even stronger. Not because of the affair, but because of the work the couple does to create a newer and stronger marriage.

About Marriage Rescue Associates Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

Visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Marriage Counseling: Keeping Your Marriage Business Private

With almost 30 years of Marriage Counseling experience we have discovered that it is critical to keep your marriage business private. This is true when things are going well and also when things are not going so well. It is particularly important if your marriage or family is in crisis.
This does not mean that you should have to handle the hurt and pain all by yourself. When you are in pain it is important to have someone to talk with. That person should not be a friend or a family member.
It may seem like they would be the best person to share with, but that is not so.
Why?
1. It hurts trust between you and your spouse. You spouse may feel embarrassed when you share your relationship difficulties with family or friends. It is very disrespectful. Would you want your flaws exposed to others outside the privacy of marriage?

2. Often, when we go to others asking for prayer, we are actually using this as an opportunity to gossip about our mate and line up support for our side of the conflict. If we air our dirty linen and later you and your spouse have “made up” the person you shared with may still have negative feelings about your spouse.

3. When we get advice from family or friends we may get “one sided” advice. They most likely will not be impartial. They may care more about you than the truth. When you share your “version” of the truth, it may not be accurate. In all of our years of Marriage Counseling, we have rarely seen a situation where both spouses did not have some of the responsibility.

4. What kind of axe to grind does your confidant have? Since half of all marriages end in divorce, it is likely that the person you are seeking help from may have hurts or prejudices that affect their advice. A classic example would be getting marriage advice from a divorced friend who is angry at their ex spouse.


Of course it is important to get help when you need it. We recommend that you choose the appropriate marriage counselor to get the help from. If you and you mate cannot calmly talk out the situation, then seek guidance from your Pastor or a qualified Marriage Counselor. Don’t make the mistake of making a bad situation worse.

Visit us at www.marriagerescue.org for additional information and support.